Trident’s Seven Deadly Surfing Sins continue today, with Sloth. If that particular sin isn’t a good excuse to be lazy, we don’t know what is. So in honour of laziness and slothfulness; let’s begin with the cut an’ paste part: “Also known as the cardinal sins, they are (in no particular order – but this will be the order in which Trident publishes them): Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth, Envy and Pride.” Also this: “Anyhow, the seven deadly sins is now officially part of pop culture. Each sin was apparently represented by an animal, so why not learn something: a pig for Gluttony; a goat for Lust; a toad for Greed; a lion for Wrath; a snail for Sloth; a snake for Envy; and a peacock for Pride. Thank Trident Surf for your next Trivia evening win.”
Sloth is an interesting sin in surfing. Unlike say – Gluttony or Wrath; where their sins are mostly inflicted on others. With Sloth though, the person most inconvenienced by this sin is generally the slothful surfer themselves. Like, so profound… yawn.
Part Five: Sloth: Top Five surfing sins.
Number 1: Slothfulness leading to missing the best surf.
It’s hard to think of someone slothful being a hard partier, but let’s just assume they were jolling until 4am the day before a big swell hits. Actually, let’s just assume they didn’t leave their couch the day before anyway, and passed out with a slice of pizza in their hands ‘coz reaching out for the tv remote was too much effort. Either way, they shamble out the house past midday, only to find the swell of the year blown out. Or disappearing quicker than a member of parliament during a raid on their beach house.
Number 2: Being slothful in the lineup.
Trident believes there’s no such person as someone who doesn’t love the actual animal, the sloth. So adorable with their permanently sleepy, nowhere expressions and the green algae that grows on their fur ‘coz t h e y ‘ r e j u s t s o d a m n s l o w…
Now. Forget about that lovable South American slowpoke. Imagine that same, sleepy nowhere expression on the face of the surfer that’s constantly getting in your way. You take off? They’re right in front of you, always risking your surfboard’s nose or fins in their sleepy face. You’ve picked your line and you’re trimming along the wave face? They’re there, slowly moving out the way, only to be more in the way than they were. Sure, they may be slower than the wheel of justice; but at the same time they still manage to be in your way twice on the same wave. As for them getting to their feet when it’s their own turn? It’s like time itself has hit the slow motion button. It’s like watching those nature documentaries of plants growing.
Number 3: Being the acknowledged Sloth in your surfing crew.
Oh by Poseidon’s salty loincloth. If a dude wants to be slow on his own time that’s fine. If you want to wax up at a snail’s pace in the parking lot, and/or apply sunblock so slowly the stuff reaches its expiry date before you’ve even finished – that’s on you. However, if a few of you are doing a dawnie for a short trip up the coast, or just car pooling – or indeed – planning an extravagant overseas trip – if you delay everyone by sleeping, late or not having packed properly (if at all)- you deserve to be beaten by your own crew with surfwax blocks in pillowcase like that scene in Full Metal Jacket.
Number 4: Being slow to realise how slow you are.
This is to elaborate on Point Number 2. It could be you realise too late how slow you are getting to your feet while popping up. It could also be you realise how slow you are in realising how you’re constantly in everyone else’s way – ‘coz you paddle so damn slowly. It could be you slowly realise how much more you could have been surfing if it wasn’t for pesky details like work and your annoying adult commitments to life and stuff. It could be the way you slowly realise you’re about to a massive beating from an outside set because you paddles out too slowly. These are all major epiphanies, but the Slothful surfer being what they are, means they’ have said epiphanies too late. Let’s just hope they learn from being too late.
Number 5: Being Slothful when beginning surfing.
Oh you’re well over 50 and started surfing? Jis bru, shoulda done so twenty years ago. You’re thirty and started surfing? Sjoe bru, a little slow there – shoulda done so when you were a teenager! You’re nineteen and started surfing? Jeez Dude, you shoulda done so before hitting puberty! You’re ten and have just begun surfing? Nooit cuz, you could go pro if you have just begun at three like Jordy did. You’re three years old and you’ve just begun to surf?! No way my man, your parents shoulda started you off surfing in a test tube full of sea water when you were but a mere fetus. Yes folks. No matter what age you have just begun surfing, we all wished we weren’t so slothful in starting surfing at the age we did.
