Dear reader, do not make the mistake of thinking “this is a 7 article-long series, this opening paragraph is all cut and paste”. Sure Trident can be lazy – but not that lazy. Certain elements will be cut and paste, such as the following: “Also known as the cardinal sins, they are (in no particular order – but this will be the order in which Trident publishes them): Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth, Envy and Pride.” Also this: “Anyhow, the seven deadly sins is now officially part of pop culture. Each sin was apparently represented by an animal, so why not learn something: a pig for Gluttony; a goat for Lust; a toad for Greed; a lion for Wrath; a snail for Sloth; a snake for Envy; and a peacock for Pride. Thank Trident Surf for your next Trivia evening win.” Check the header illustrations for said animals.
It would be nice if Trident could continue cutting and pasting those above segments (and we’ll certainly look into doing just that in the future to save ourselves time and effort for Pete’s sake), but it’s all original from here. So if you didn’t read the last Top 5 article, refresh yourself here (that’s if you missed the link above, and also – how did you miss the link above?!) Anyhow, without further ado, let’s dive into what you’d expect would be everyone’s favourite sin: Lust.
Part Two: Lust: Top Five surfing sins.
Number 1: Lusting after surfing itself.
It doesn’t matter where you currently find yourself. You could be getting ready for school or work, or already on your way there. You could be in a board meeting. (An actual board meeting, not Trident code for surfing). You could be on the toilet. You could be inventing conspiracy theories online. Perhaps you could be invading a small defenceless country. Maybe you could be actually getting ready to go surfing. Either way, wherever you are – you’re not really there because you’d rather be surfing. “So would most of us!” Trident readers cry out in universal outrage. “How dare you say there’s anything wrong with that!” Trident never said we wouldn’t all rather be out surfing than say – doing the dishes or getting a hernia check-up. However an unrealistic and overpowering desire to go surfing whilst doing something else – whether important and significant or mundane and trivial – can be problematic.
Ask the neurosurgeon who just happens to be a surfer. The doc is rummaging around in your skull with all the finesse of a loose forward trying to grab a rugby ball. Ask this doctor why he’s doing such a kak job of brain surgery. “Nooit my bru,” he answers with a dreamy look, “I’d rather be surfing than sorting out this guy’s brain. I heard my local spot is cooking ekse.”
Number 2: An intense, pathological desire for the best of everything.
Forget one’s personal level of skill here, that’s not the point of this, well er – point. You could be a red hot surfer, or a novice, or somewhere in-between. Regardless, nothing is ever quite good enough for you. And that is simply because you’re always lusting after the latest and the best. Whether it’s a perfect wave in Indo, or the latest state of the art wetsuit, whatever you have is just not good enough. Or at least, in your head it’s not good enough. You may just have popped out of a ten second barrel and still think said wave isn’t good enough. What?! So how in the blue blazes are you supposed to enjoy surfing then?
Surfing is all about being 100% present – no looking back or forward; a surfer dealing with the “right now” of a big barrel, stylish move or simply popping up on your board. How can you get that right when you’re lusting over the big black bakkie with the cool mags and the custom-built surfboard extension rack on the back you can see from the lineup?
Number 3: An intense, pathological desire for well, absolutely anything.
Essentially the exact opposite of Number 2. In human attraction terms, if Point Number 2 is wanting a perfect ten supermodel – Point Number 3 is lusting after any biological entity with a pulse. Indeed, if it’s freshly dead – just run an electrical charge through it and that will still count. You feel me with this analogy? In surfing terms though, it comes across as slightly less creepy. Although people will no doubt look at you askance when you paddle out with your ripped 1980’s wetsuit, on a rotten old wooden pallet, to surf in storm drain water. Trident always says, go surf no matter what – but for heaven’s sake man, apply some standards at least.
Number 4: The local surf couple with too much PDA.
So, actual lust in surfing. Admittedly, 100% copied and pasted from this brilliant older article from Trident here – but here is said point verbatim, as relevant and valid in terms of lust in surfing as can be: “Sure, surfing is about frolicking about with abandon in the waves. However, said frolicking shouldn’t involve another person (unless someone has broken the surf rules and is being physically re-educated). Yet – and although it is admittedly uncommon to have both partners in a relationship surf let alone them surfing together at the same time, when the two are together in the water they act like they should get a room. Please. Get. A. Room.
At best, it’s distracting watching this couple feel each other up, and at worst: it’s creepy as hell, like watching insects mating. If you’re at a surf break – you surf; you don’t go to third base with your significant other. Still, let them do their thing. More waves for the rest of us I say.”
Number 5: Lusting after stuff that isn’t yours.
Now, this could be considered a form of envy (or intellectual theft), which of course will be published in a future Top 5 article. However, the distinction can thus be made: envy is wanting something that isn’t yours purely because you consider what is yours inferior. In terms of lust as a cardinal surfing sin however, this sin is committed simply because the surfer covets everything. Like everything. They lust after everything. Waves, surfboards, wetsuits and sure, why not – cars and romantic partners. Perhaps this lustful surfer even covets other surfers’ skill. Indeed, this form of lust gets very weird when they covet other surfers’ boardshorts. Or covert just… other surfers. Shudder. Hide the chloroform from this creep immediately.
