Trident had a previous Top Five list of weird locals here. Weird can be creepy too, sure – but being creepy specifically is another matter altogether. I’ve seen things, people. I’ve seen things. Things that will haunt me forever. Such as:
Number 1: The local surf couple with too much PDA
Sure, surfing is about frolicking about with abandon in the waves. However, said frolicking shouldn’t involve another person (unless someone has broken the surf rules and is being physically re-educated). Yet – and although it is admittedly uncommon to have both partners in a relationship surf let alone them surfing together at the same time, when the two are together in the water they act like they should get a room. Please. Get. A. Room. At best, it’s distracting watching this couple feel each other up, and at worst: it’s creepy as hell, like watching insects mating. If you’re at a surf break – you surf; you don’t go to third base with your significant other. Still, let them do their thing. More waves for the rest of us I say.
Number 2: The unsmiling, deadpan local who hardly says a word
This local has the emotional range of a sock. Not necessarily unfriendly, just apparently completely devoid of expressing joy, or anger, or mirth, or sadness, or envy or even mild annoyance – like a robot sent from the future to kill John Connor. Perhaps it’s just this author. Maybe my occasional interaction with dull surfers like these were a result of having wronged them some time in the past, and they aren’t particularly warm to me as they simply haven’t forgiven the slight. It’s possible. But I doubt it. These surfers are generally totally harmless, but tend to suck all the happiness out the lineup like some kind of emotional mosquito that feeds on human feelings. There’s no need to be unpleasant to these guys, ‘coz eventually they’ll move to Milton Keynes in the UK or somewhere equally as exciting, but you never know – they may have some creepy dungeon in their garage basement filled with homemade dartboards of surfers who have burned them or something.
Number 3: The local who doesn’t ride any wavecraft (neither shortboard, longboard, mid-length, bodyboard, kneeboard, goatboat, SUP, estate agency signboard, dustbin lid, margarine tub lid, nor – Poseidon save us – a kayak) but is out there anyway
This guy talks the talk. He knows about barrels, left handers and right handers. He knows all the spots’ names. He knows his brand of wetsuit is top of the range. What he doesn’t seem to know however, is that body surfing may be kinda fun in 1 foot closeouts on a sunny day – but not amongst a crowd of frothing surfers on a decent sized day, all of whom possess some form of waveriding equipment. (No, handboards don’t count in this instance.) This author has experienced a so-called local body surfer throwing shaka’s at his family on the beach, whilst simultaneously paddling for and missing every foamie that comes their way. “Right!” You’ll call, as your mate calls “Left!” Then this anomaly calls “Middle!” and paddles for – and Lo! And Behold! – misses the whitewater he was wanting to go straight on. Perhaps creepy is too strong a description for this dude. These surfer wannabe’s are totally harmless usually, but the creepy factor comes in their complete and utter disregard for their own safety amongst waveriders of far superior skill to them, all of whom are riding some sort of potentially dangerous board. Also, a surfer who talks the talk and for all intents appears to be a surfer – apart from the lack of actual surf device beneath them – is as creepy as an otherwise normal human being who has no head.
Number 4: The local who’s a local at a place nobody wants to surf
Patiently this lone gunman sits, at a break that is only marginally a surf spot – whether it’s because it’s an 12 foot closeout onto dry reef, or it’s a gnarly little A frame that peaks on a pile of whale carcasses. Perhaps this little out the way surf spot is a short drive out of town, next to a sewage plant or an abattoir or a hijack hotspot. Perhaps the spot breaks inside a harbour, where there may not be sharks but seven story luxury cruise ships bearing down on you. Wherever this local decides to go alone, surfing at mad spots like these is not contemplative. Neither is it meditative. Nor is it hardcore, people. This is the same level of creepy as a guy braaiing alone in a cemetery at midnight.
Number 5: The local who stays in their car the whole time and stares at everyone
Strictly speaking, this local usually doesn’t actually surf. But, come rain or shine – they’ll be sitting in the car next to you as you change in and/or out of your wetsuit, staring intently like municipal workers do to you on the back of a bakkie. Although it appears there’s nothing perverse in their glassy eyed staring, it doesn’t get much creepier than this. Like the fleeting figure the heroine sees out the corner of her eye in a horror movie. Although in a movie, when the heroine looks back – the figure is gone. With this local, no matter how many times you look back, they’re. Still. Staring. At. You. Shudder. Maybe the only way forward is a staring confrontation like kids did in junior school. Although by doing this in the car park of a surf spot, you run the risk of bursting into flames or this local starer reverting into their true monstrous form. Just ignore them I’d say.
