Whoah, this heading is certainly a mouthful of a whole lotta awkward. However, there’s a method to the madness of the mouthful of heading despite our heads all spinning from the excessive use of M alliteration. Yes dear readers; Trident has an ongoing theme for the next seven Top Five posts. Yes, seven. Why seven you ask? Why not twelve posts for each month of the year, or 57 or 283 or 15 834,62 or eleventy million or Pi? Well, as you may know there are seven deadly sins; an aspect of the devout which has entered mainstream pop culture.
Also known as the cardinal sins, they are:
In no particular order – but this will be the order in which Trident publishes them: Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth, Envy and Pride. Indeed, there was a brilliant, unsettling movie based on these sins, cunningly titled Seven (often stylised as Se7en). It starred Hollywood royalty Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt, and was directed by the gifted David Fincher. In said movie, some oke is chained to a bed for a year, understandably goes totally bonkers and chews his own tongue off. If only the poor sod had Trident to read back then. He may only have bit his lip.
The seven deadly sins is officially part of pop culture. An animal represented each sin, as follows: a pig for Gluttony; a goat for Lust; a toad for Greed; a lion for Wrath; a snail for Sloth; a snake for Envy; and a peacock for Pride. Thank Trident Surf for your next Trivia evening win. Anyhow, Trident loves transcending surf culture and analysing its subsequent effect on pop culture and vice versa. So, over the next few Top Five posts; our theme will be the Seven Deadly Sins in surfing. Today’s post will be… (Ed’s note: Hint, this sin is represented by a pig – check the header image.)
Part One: Gluttony: Top Five surfing sins.
Number 1: Over-indulgence.
Trident has barely begun writing these damn seven deadly sins articles and we are already aware of severe cross-pollination between these fun, er, ahem… we mean – deadly – sins. Lust, Greed, Envy, they almost always apply to the same thing/ SImply; having too much of a good thing. Nonetheless, from a Gluttony perspective, we need to look at cause and effect. Indeed, the classic image of Gluttony is some corpulent fellow, sweating, stained with food grease wearing an expression both equal parts pleasure and pain. Generally being force fed whole sides of beef or whatnot. Like your typical shameless SA politician “striving for the rights of the poor”, a chicken drumstick sticking out their mouth while trying to say “Comrades” with their mouths full. Close finger quotes. Anyway.
Think about over indulging in surfing terms: overdo your food and/or drink intake and your next surf will likely be an ordeal more than a pleasant experience. Perhaps you simply are feeling stuffed from eating too much. It could be through, you’re trying your hardest to prevent your bowels from rebelling and soling your wetsuit. Maybe you’re just trying to focus your double vision of a hard night of parting. Regardless, no surf after a big meal or drinking bout will be pleasant nor productive. Indeed, Trident has occasionally gone for a surf after a three pie late lunch. You may as well wear a weight belt while surfing. Or more accurately; go surf after eating a weight belt.
Number 2: Wanting all the waves. Like, literally all of them.
Once more, just like an SA politician comrades. These Gluttons of the surfing world want every singel ripple that comes their way. Whereas as say, the deadly sin of Lust could apply to unfulfilled desire, when it comes to surfing sins, Gluttony is all practice and action. Set waves. Insiders. Close-outs. Broken waves. Waves already being ridden by others. Waves everyone else has waited patiently for. The Gluttonous surfer paddles for everything, whether they get the wave or not (and likely not, as they are the unfit, unhealthy stereotype, right?) with precisely zero regret or guilt.
No wave is off limits to them, and they blithely ignore the dirty looks and words of other surfers patiently waiting their turn. Why the Gluttons even bother paddling for waves is anyone’s guess. This is because they often surf like the classic depiction of this deadly sin – a bloated, ungainly, disgraceful carcass that smells vaguely of the bins outside a low budget curry restaurant.
Number 3: Being wasteful.
Huh! No, you didn’t expect this one, did you?! Wastefulness is the very essence of Gluttony. Taking more than you need. Over-consuming to the point resources are simply wasted. Said waste resources could be waves, wax, surfboards, food forgotten and wasted in the rush to go surf – or less overtly – petrol. Yup, a less obvious yet great example of Gluttonous waste is riding around in your gas-guzzling SUV with a price tag greater than the GDP of small countries. The Glutton would drive around ostensibly in search of the best waves. Or any waves. See above.
However, after arriving at the first spot (which just happens to be 4 – 6 foot and glassier than the local tik addled car guard’s eyes), this little piggy may say something like: “Nah, five people is way too crowded.” Off you go, Wave Hog, head on to Spot number 2. “Nah,” The Glutton schemes, “what’s the point of barrels if you’re surfing alone? Next spot!” “Hmmm.” The Glutton schemes, “I can do better than a 500 metre point break.” “Too many lefts.” “Too many rights.” “Nah. I’m gonna quickly drive to Mozambique to check.” And so on and so forth. “Nah,” you scheme, “I’m going home to my 5 course meal, leaving half of it to vrot away then I’ll drive back to the beach later.”
Special mention must be made of the Gluttonous surfer paddling for every wave as per point number 2 then missing every wave only for them to go unridden. Waves are wasted – tut tut indeed.
Number 4: The over-eager beaver.
We’ve all been here. Being over eager or in surf terminology – over-frothing – must hereby be considered amongst the variants of the deadly sin of Gluttony. The mere fact we are able to surf is a privilege. Remember that when we’re amped for a surf. However, when heading to the beach while frothing like a rabid meerkat that’s just mainlined fizzy sherbert only to see 2 foot slop instead of the expected perfection – most of us will lose our said ampedness quickly. And indeed, this is indeed a sin, folks! Every day you don’t surf is a day you’ll regret not surfing while lying on your death bed. If covid taught us anything; it’s that every moment of freedom is to be savoured.
Surfing is the very definition of freedom, yet often the Glutton inside each of us takes waveriding for granted. We are eager for epic waves, not great, not good certainly not mediocre and – heavens to Betsy! – not bad waves. We are eager – read: Gluttonous – for our wildly overly ambitious expectations to be met every time we surf. In this instance, we are essentially Gluttonous if only in our assumptions. Man, Trident – you are like, so deep my bru.
Number 5: Expensive tastes.
We mentioned the gas guzzling SUV. Expensive taste of note. But then again, so is buying a AI-designed surfboard with built in 5G, satellite GPS, onboard paddle-motor etc etc. We’re not gonna belabour the point with over-the-top examples of ludicrous expenditure, as funny as Trident is at that. The bottom line is, do you really need those expensive imported fins? Do you really need that signature model surfboard that comes at a premium cost? Do you really need that wetsuit with the rechargeable heat battery? Must you really buy that sunscreen that purportedly makes you age backwards? Do you really need to pay double for that ultra-sustainable wetsuit made only from recycled coconut husks and the sweat of certified vegans? We at Trident say – Hell yes! We each have a little bit of a Glutton in us all. So why not?!
