By now, you should know the drill about Trident’s Seven Deadly Surfing Sins. If not, read all the previous articles. They all have the following cut an’ paste part: “Also known as the cardinal sins, they are (in no particular order – but this will be the order in which Trident publishes them): Gluttony, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth, Envy and Pride.” Also this: “Anyhow, the seven deadly sins is now officially part of pop culture. Each sin was apparently represented by an animal, so why not learn something: a pig for Gluttony; a goat for Lust; a toad for Greed; a lion for Wrath; a snail for Sloth; a snake for Envy; and a peacock for Pride. Thank Trident Surf for your next Trivia evening win.”
So let’s dive into surfing wrath, represented by the magnificent kind of the beasts, the lion. PS. We assume you know wrath is a fancier word for anger, and anger is also another word for fury. And please don’t lose your temper if you feel that’s being patronising.
Part Four: Wrath: Top Five surfing sins.
Number 1: Being wrathful with other surfers.
Dear surfer, when did you last surf when you didn’t, at the very least, become irritated with at least one other surfer in the lineup? We’ll wait. No answer? You can’t remember? And no, genius, it doesn’t count if you were surfing serenely by yourself. Over the years, Trident had discussed the myriad ways in which surfers annoy the crap outta each other, to the point we’ll just do a quick overview: dropping in, snaking, paddling around, going for all the sets, getting in the way, posting secret spots all over the net – the list goes on and on. Some philosopher once said, “Hell is other people.” Well, when it comes to crowded surf lineups – we couldn’t agree more.
Sometimes our surfing wrath is barely more than simmering resentment for some new face paddling out at the local. Other times, wrath is elevated to firm words. Perhaps even raised voices, possibly some choice, colourful language to really emphasize the point. And sure, there will be the occasion when wrath becomes a full on physical reaction turning into Tom and Jerry style violence. Trident says we understand – but avoid at all costs. The surf lineup is the last place for warlike behaviour team, considering the state of the world right now.
Number 2: Being wrathful with surf equipment.
Bogged rail during that last turn? Fell while attempting a cutback? Wrapped your leash around your feet during your take off? Arrghhh!!! So let’s not blame our own inability, but rather lose our temper with a blameless inanimate object. Sure, it’s our shaper’s fault the board we got is so kak. Or why not blame the dude selling the second hand piece of crap you just bought? Why didn’t the sneaky skelm warn you the board’s rails were a little too thick, why else can’t you turn the damn thing properly? Why didn’t the salesman at your local surf shop tell you the fins he recommended actually, well, just sucked? And they weren’t cheap I tell you. My name is not Elon Musk.
Look, we all make mistakes while surfing. And the truth? Yes, occasionally your mistakes can be due to faulty, inferior – or – surprise, incorrect surf equipment. So when next you feel the urge to scream at your board and/or smash it on the nearest, most convenient rock Martinez-style, maybe ask yourself – should you really be surfing a 5 foot 7 blade when you’re built like the Mountain from Game of Thrones?
Number 3: Being wrathful with yourself.
Well, this is certainly more progressive than being the moer in with your own equipment, but this can be self defeating. Being wrathful with oneself is actually pretty harmful. (Ed’s note: Albeit sometimes hilarious to watch someone lose their rag with themselves.) Okay, so maybe you surf at an intermediate level and you’re having trouble with a certain tricky move. Or maybe you’re an old hand, and you’re getting angry with the fact your turns aren’t as sharp as they used to be, and your reflexes have dulled somewhat, to the point where every attempt at finding a tube results in saltwater injection into all orifices in your body.
Just relax bru. Chill. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all get older. And what if you’re still relatively young, and ready to punch yourself in the face every time you stuff up a trick while surfing? Well, we all have to learn stuff the hard way my bru. There’s no shortcut to learning alley oops. Still, you’re at least self aware enough not to be blaming your kak equipment after watching a video of yourself surfing like you had a backyard lobotomy. But there’s still no need to bang your head against the wall repeatedly afterwards. Like we already said, just chill.
Number 4: Being wrathful with Mother Nature.
Well this is just ludicrous. If you’re gonna lose your temper every time the ocean disappoints you, you may as well stop surfing right now. Literally. Just stop, so we can never hear your constant whining about the poor conditions ever again. Sure, every surfer should be all well aware of how frustrating it can be. It’s suddenly onshore when the charts tuned it’ll be offshore for a week. It’s flat when it was supposed to be 6 foot. There’s a shark circling you. A jellyfish stung you on your ‘nads. You were surfing in a storm and you got hit by lightning. There’s rancid seaweed in your wetsuit. Your moer Mother Nature! You may as well lose your temper with wet sand. Or a South African politician. )Ed’s note: Well, that’s part of living here. Author’s note: Sure. But my point is clear.)
Number 5: Being wrathful with surfing itself.
Similar to the above, but here’s the thing. Surfing can make you more angry than playing golf blindfolded with one of your arms duct taped to your butt while wearing diving flippers. With a pool noodle for a Driver. If you don’t accept the simple fact surfing is 50% frustrating as hell and this will make you angrier than a hive full of divorced hornets, Trident suggests a lifelong adherence to something else. Like origami. Although, we can see how one would become wrathful there too. At least paper can be torn without much consequence.
