With Trident well in our stride after several years online, it’s high time to give credit to one of our biggest contributors to our longevity. Namely, our readers. Whoop whoop! And what better way to investigate, celebrate and appreciate our readers’ efforts and legacy by highlighting some of the best and most memorable readers’ names (and their letters to Trident), by selecting some of the coolest stuff they sent to us.
Trident actually did some investigating of our own. Therefore, with our readers’ permission, we have compiled brief biographies of some of our illustrious followers. As if there was ever any doubt, Trident’s readers are some of the most complex, one-of-a-kind, unique individuals to ever grace this watery planet of ours. So without further ado, let’s introduce:
Number 1: Maximillian Mampara from the Strand.
Maximillian, or Max, or Max Out, or Maxi-Pad, or Generic Paste as he says he as known as by his friends – is a jovial goofy footer, professional celery snob and keen S & M enthusiast. Said hobby is demonstrated by his innovative alternative suggested uses for surf leashes published here. Apart from surfing the beach breaks of the Strand, Max enjoys being beaten on his ample bottom by plus-sized women in Hazmat suits wielding fossilised meatloaf. His other passions include nosediving, seed spitting, country music warbling, wire dancing, loud whispering and mild seizures.
Number 2: WTF McDonald from Long Beach.
Wendy Tedious Felicity McDonald is a self proclaimed staunch anti-hippie capitalist. Wendy launched her successful pencil-bait shell pan flute business two decades ago and is yet to see any meaningful return on investment. She admits to obsessively hating hipsters and hippies, despite having not bathed since her teens. She sports armpit hair long enough to plait. Wendy often dreams of surgically replacing both her legs with hallucinogenic cactus stems, but admits this may be impractical for surfing. She wrote about stereotypical surfers here.
Number 3: Bill Barrels from Barrel Chested.
Manic animal lover Billy Barrels comes from Barrel Chested. He claims it’s a place which produces more barrels than the Johnny Walker brand. Over and above his passion for threading insane tubes, he is an ascetic and strict vegan. Billy consumes only water, tubes, peach pits, pits, filtered sand, plastic waste and negative thoughts, which he claims he converts into positive energy by digesting it then excreting it into the universe. He loves all animals, including oft-unloved sea urchins as he mentions in his letter here. Billy owns a sustainable pet store right at the beach. It specialises in speckled erotic salamanders*, orange-frocked spankbills, live seaweed wetsuits, mooners, poeplaps, lasagna wobblers and giant groaners.
*(Ed’s Note: Shouldn’t that be EXOTIC salamanders? Author’s Note: No, I checked with him… definitely erotic salamanders… Ed’s Note: Good grief… )
Number 4: Colonel Bignads from Wet Blanket.
Before moving to the Cape, Benjamin “Big Ben” Bignads was a colonel from the militant wing of the Barmy Army. Now retired from active service, Ben collects itchy rashes and is still as keen a cricketer as he is a surfer. Indeed, Benjamin has ridden waves and played with balls all over the world. Most notably in the West Indies and in the Bum Islands. The colonel says he specifically moved to South Africa permanently from the UK for a “warmer climate”. Check out his suggestions about using live coals in your wetsuit for warmth in his letter. However, he also considers his susceptibility to the cold is the fact he chose to live on a wet blanket in the Cape Reserve.
Number 5: Disgruntled Prat from Pacaltzdorp.
Hardcore Garden Route surfer Disgruntled simply refuses to support buying retail from anywhere but a surf shop. This is evidenced in his letter to Trident. Nevertheless, unless said surf shops start supplying food at their premises, Disgruntled is currently in the process of unwittingly starving himself to death. He’s tried eating surfwax, but this has resulted in a bowel blockage the size of a truck engine. Thus, he is unavailable for any further information.
