The days of surfers being stereotyped as burnout hippies are definitely long gone. We’re seen as responsible adults nowadays. Take me for instance. I live in a hut made from the carcass of a washed-up whale and make my living selling pan flutes made from pencil-bait shells. WTF McDonald, Long Beach
I’m a unstoppable, implacable cybernetic robot sent from the future to ruthlessly snake and drop in on everyone else. Albie Bek, Pretoria
Keen to make your own homemade, environmentally friendly organic surf wax? Here’s the recipe: take bacon grease, butter, honey and mashed-up red bait. Try it out! It did not work for me though. Also, it attracted flies on land and sharks in the sea. And boy, did it STANK. ID Theft, Twat-on-Sea
Keen to make your own chemically-irresponsible, inorganic surf wax? Here’s the recipe: take superglue, concrete, flypaper and sticky tape. Try it out! It worked too well for me though, and I am now writing this via satellite phone while attached to my board somewhere in the bottom of the ocean in the south Atlantic. Lord ID Theft the 3rd, Twat-on-Sea
Surf leashes are all well and good, but let’s face it – they can snap. So do what I did and fashion your own leash from a bicycle chain. It’s cumbersome, kinda heavy and gets in the way – not to mention the damage your surfboard takes from it – but it has yet to snap. Lisa Horseradish, Mars Colonial Outpost
