So here’s another of our acclaimed Quiz series, check some of the previous ones here, here and here. There are more, so search “Questions” and smile.
So. You’ve just started surfing eh? You’re already pretty into it. You can stand up on a big foam board, and almost go sideways like the pro’s. You’re ready to test yourself on some 2 foot faces. It doesn’t matter if you’re 10 years old, or 20 or 30, 40, 50 and beyond – if you’re reading this so far – we’re guessing you’re at least old enough to read. So if you really want to fit in effortlessly in what once was the coolest sub culture on earth (that distinction now belongs firmly to Tiktok wannabe hip hop stars in kilts), try these questions. It’ll help you figure out, as a beginner, how well will you fit into the surf culture.
Question 1: Name, let’s say – any five well known surfers.
a. Shaun Thomson, Kelly Slater, Jordy Smith, Gabriel Medina, John John Florence.
b. Kelly Slater… uh, um John Smith, that Hawaiian guy, Whatsisname and er, Duke Kalkananskanaemakclwaer?!
c. Mick Fanny, Callie Slater, the Puke, that Hawaiian Olympian chick Kak Rissla Moer, and that Brazilian chick Gabriella Something-or-Other.
d. Neil Armstrong, Prince Harry, Julius Malema, Sauron, Kermit the frog.
Question 2. What is a floater?
a. A surfing manoeuvre involving riding over the barrelling and/or breaking part of the wave.
b. Uh, when you fall off your surfboard and float next to it, while avoiding other surfers screaming blue murder at you.
c. An awesome ice cream and soda mix, invented I think by surfers from Easter island if I’m not mistaken.
d. What I leave in the toilet (or the sea sometimes!) when I need to lighten the load for a killer surf man.
Question 3. How do you interpret the “no snaking” rule?
a. You should interpret the surf lineup like a queue. Snaking means jumping your turn in the queue. If you wait your turn for a wave, everyone gets a wave. In theory at least.
b. Checking your boardbag and/or wetsuit and/or boardshorts for any dozing puffadders so as to avoid bringing them into the surf with you.
c. Like that wicked Samuel L Jackson movie, don’t bring snakes on your plane when travelling for a surf trip.
d. I make sure I don’t show my snake, aka my tollie – to anyone accidentally. Or to be more politically sensitive – my John Thomas. Hah – “accidentally” wink wink!
Question 4. Should surfers – especially beginners – wear a leash?
a. Yes.
b. What’s a leash?
c. Only if they wanna look terminally uncool in front of our sick hipster crowd.
d. It depends on who is submissive and who is dominant.
Question 5. What is a “grommet”, or a “grom”?
a. A young, enthusiastic generally preteen surfer.
b. Something that goes into your ear.
c. Something that goes into your gear.
d. Something that goes into your rear.
Question 6. What is an air?
a. A seriously radical move whereby the surfer launches above the lip of the wave.
b. Something you breathe. No wait… it’s a shoe from Nike! Do I win something now?!
c. A seriously radical synth band from the early 2 000’s. Hey yeah Air!
d. Something that goes out of your rear.
Question 7. What is the most basic equipment necessary to surf?
a. A surfboard with wax, fins and leash, and probably a wetsuit for most of Southern African waters.
b. Water wings, life jacket, motorcycle helmet, mittens, cricket box.
c. Like, just like waves and good vibes man.
d. Getting the nurses to loosen up my straitjacket just enough to fit my wetsuit properly.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You’re getting there for sure. Just ensure your skill level matches up with your general surf knowledge, and you could find yourself part of the hardcore local crew within only a few decades or so.
Mostly B’s. You are at least self aware enough to know you don’t know everything. If you admit this out loud, friendly locals may even be willing to give you tips here and there. Granted, some of those tips may be to “never show your face here again” or to “**** off and die kook”, but some locals may be more inclined to take you under their wing, in a non-prison sense of the phrase.
Mostly C’s. You’re utterly convinced you’ve got this surfing culture thing down pat. Trident commends you on your enthusiasm, but trust us – you absolutely don’t.
Mostly D’s. The guy above may be pretty delusional, but you are next level brah. There is yet to be a politically correct word invented that could apply to you. Just stay on your meds Trident suggests.
