Welcome to the first in our Surf Speak DIY series, where we present a typical surfer scenario/conversation – and give you a mutiple number of options to use to sound knowledgable and not a total pratt at all.
Number One: Your typical surfing heat commentary.
Many heats are thrilling to watch. Others are like watching someone else record someone else watching paint dry. Either way, whether exciting as nuts or boring as balls – heat commentaries tend to be overfilled with hackneyed cliches, unimaginative banter, dishwater-dull comments and overall repetitious statements. (Like Trident has just done.) Before the endless tedium threatens to overpower us all, Trident has kindly provided some far more creative options when it comes to your average surf heat commentary. Read the typical cliched sentence, then insert your preferred phrase or word from the options listed.
Comment 1: “And it’s one of the rookies up against one of the most experienced guys in tour. This is bound to be a real life (…Insert Option…) situation for sure.”
- Option a. David vs Goliath
- Option b. Original Recipe Fried Chicken vs Zinger Hot and Cispy
- Option c. Steve Hofmeyer vs Your will to live
- Option d. My foot vs Your arse
Comment 2: “Whoahhh! That was the heaviest barrel today! I haven’t seen anything like it since (…Insert Option…)!”
- Option a. The Pipe Masters in 2003
- Option b. The Dwarves escaped from the Wood Elves in barrels in The Hobbit
- Option c. The greys kindly beamed me back down to earth after a good old probing up the tradesmens’ and a bit of theft of the old DNA
- Option d. I was released on parole
Comment 3: “Well, the waves may not be absolutely firing today, but the (…Insert Option…) certainly is in this part of the world!”
- Option a. Nightlife
- Option b. Pensioners’ nude mudwrestling
- Option c. Hallicunogenic cactus I’ve just stuffed down my gullet
- Option d. Game of Snake I’m playing on my phone instead at least pretending to pay attention to the surfing
Comment 4: “That aerial move was insane! What would you call a manouvere like that?! I’d say it was a (…Insert Option…)!”
- Option a. Full rotation alley oop
- Option b. Bellville ball-quake
- Option c. Move I’ve only ever sketched before on the walls of my padded cell with crayons
- Option d. Move that will haunt my dreams forver, and bring tears to my eyes when I think of the sheer miracle I was there to witness firsthand such a thing of beauty. #blessed
Comment 5: “The judging criteria has changed somewhat, when (…Insert Option…) that move would’ve been scored far higher than today.”
- Option a. I was a young grom
- Option b. I swore off cock-fighting
- Option c. I underwent my ninth sex change
- Option d. I had a full set of fins removed from my anus
Comment 6: “Now over to our esteemed guest commentator for today, someone you’ll know only too well from (…Insert Option…)!”
- Option a. Their recent great results in Trestles
- Option b.Their recent arrest for indecent exposure while dressed as Batman on top of a moving bus
- Option c. Their godawful, mind-numbingly eye-wateringly powerful stank
- Option d. Being hands-down the absolute biggest, most insufferable wanker in the current global surfing community
Comment 7: “This is one of the best waves in the world. Surfers worldwide dream of (…Insert Option…).”
- Option a. Its perfect tubes
- Option b. Landing arse-first onto its razor sharp, barnacle encrusted reef
- Option c. The gravel-voiced local ladyboys wobbling up and down the streets nearby on their spike-inch heels, trying to hide their poorly shaven Adam’s apple
- Option d. Falsely declaring it a nuclear test site so as to get all its waves all to themselves
Comment 8: “Word on the street this surfer is a potential future World Champion, and at the very least I believe they will (…Insert Option…).”
- Option a. Make the Top Five this year
- Option b. Become a monk in Tibet
- Option c. Rob a graveyard and attempt some light necromancy
- Option d. Name one of their kids after me
