So here’s the second in our Quiz series. Check the previous one out here. So without any more fart-arsing about, we present the following questionnaire:
What kind of local are you?
Where do you fit in the surf lineup? How do other surfers see you, based on your temperament in the surf? As much as we all like to think ourselves as sitting firmly on the top of the totem pole – the only way to be objective about what kind of local you are is by answering these questions:
Question 1: What is the first thing that happens when you arrive at the parking lot of your local surf break?
- a. The car guard greets you by name and offers to tip you.
- b. You get out your car, and immediately sit down in the lotus position and begin to meditate. Generally you don’t notice when bakkies are hooting at you to move out the parking bay.
- c. People smile nervously at you, then immediately rush to get out your way.
- d. People make the sign of the cross and haul out their tazers.
Question 2. How do you generally get on with others in the lineup?
- a. The occasional argument but nothing serious. On most given days in the lineup, the majority of the other surfers invite you to a braai – and on one memorable occasion – a swingers’ party.
- b. Some days you’re too stoned to care. On other days, you paddle out with flower petals to throw on your fellow surfers in a gesture of universal peace. The only time that went wrong was when a dude was allergic and went into anaphylactic shock.
- c. You’re moments away from a cataclysmic fist fight 96% of the time.
- d. Other surfers avoid you like the plague, and hide their kids and spouses when they see you.
Question 3. How do you see your role in the lineup?
- a. Rock star. Red carpets, people bowing down and chanting, cellphone lights in the air as you arrive in the parking lot – people asking you to sign their buttocks.
- b. Mystic. I provide the soul in the lineup. Also, I provide the shrooms and the grass. If you need, you can get my number from one of my trusted clients.
- c. Enforcer. After all, if it’s not you keeping those 12 year kids in line with the constant threat of a headbutt-induced concussion – who is?
- d. Maverick. Although to be fair, every other surfer seems to think I need one of those special wetsuits with the arms that fold over your chest. And you can’t move.
Question 4. What does surfing mean to you?
- a. An opportunity to get away from reality for a while, and to show off my backhand snap skills. To the applause of everyone out there.
- b. I’m out there to reconnect with nature man. To feel part of the universe, you know? Humanity has become so disconnected to our roots, we need to head back into the oceans where all life began. Also, it’s easier to spark up a doobie at the beach than it is at my job in local government.
- c. The perfect way to shout, scream, threaten, assault and maim anyone who gets in my way or otherwise vexes me – without any real consequence or police case against you. Unlike that time at the kids U14 B cricket match.
- d. Surfing is the straightjacket that keeps my life together. Also, I occasionally wear a straightjacket. Like, if the previous answer wasn’t subtle enough.
Question 5. What would be the perfect wave for you?
- a. A ten second barrel, followed by every attractive person on the beach flashing you in appreciation.
- b. A 2 foot pearler, with enough space to soul arch on my single fin, and just enough of a land breeze to keep my dreadlocks off my face.
- c. A 6 foot death slab, with plenty of okes in the way to either scream at or aggressively ride over.
- d. That weird wave that breaks once a year next to the harbour where they clean the fish right next to the sewage outlet.
Question 6. If not surfing, you are:
- a. Sending polite thank you’s via Whatsapp’s to everyone personally giving you surf reports and/or telling you how well you surf and/or how much they want to breed with you.
- b. Dancing to trance around a bonfire in tribal paint and giving thanks to nature while tripping balls on a homemade mixture of paint thinners and aloe sap.
- c. Sending anonymous death threats to everyone who has ever crossed you, surfer or not. Take that for not giving me that brand new Pyzel for my last birthday, Gran.
- d. Parked in front of a stranger’s house for several days, just… watching them as they go about their day-to-day life.
Question 7. What do you imagine, would other surfers say is your most memorable quality?
- a. Your awesome surfing style, your stunning charisma and your absolute lack of ego.
- b. The way you smell of weed and unwashed human.
- c. The way the vein in your foreheads begins to throb menacingly just before you donner another surfer for a perceived transgression.
- d. The way you constantly touch yourself intimately in the lineup.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You’re popular, fairly well respected, very well liked and you have some skill. In other words – you’re Trident.
Mostly B’s. You’re a half functional, but generally likeable hippie throwback from the 60’s.
Mostly C’s. You’re the heaviest dude in the surf lineup. At least in your own opinion you are. Most other surfers would flatten you in second when they see you picking on kids, beginners and other innocents.
Mostly D’s. You’re the local weirdo. People hope you’re harmless… but nobody is really completely sure. Including your therapist. Who incidentally, since treating you – wants to switch careers.
