What type of surfer are you?
Welcome to the first in our series of comprehensive questionnaires designed to pigeonhole aspects of surfing and surfers despite our free spirited reputation.
Self identifying can be wildly subjective, so instead Trident has carefully designed a series of questions and answers to help you understand your own particular sub stereotype in the surfing paradigm.
Question 1: How do you normally approach riding a wave?
- a. I paddle softly and gently, then pop up into a soul arch, hands self-consciously positioned like a drag queen singing “I will survive”. While snaking and dropping in on everyone else. Surfing is all about soul, man.
- b. I ride it on my arse, smiling ironically.
- c. I paddle my moer off for 20 seconds, eventually getting to my feet after another 20 seconds just as it closes out on the shore.
- d. I froth at the mouth rabidly as I take off, scream at anyone even looking at the wave, then pump for speed, try an air and crease my board on my head.
“Hipster in Berlin” by Timoluege is licensed with CC BY-NC 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/
Question 2: What do you see when you look in the mirror?
- a. Perfection, man. Perfection. Sheer unbridled perfection. #nofilter
- b. A man bun, a carefully groomed beard and suspenders. Over a wetsuit.
- c. A boep, dark smudges under the eyes and a SA Grom’s 2014 t shirt.
- d. The next Kelly Slater or Stephanie Gilmore, only more attractive and talented.
Question 3: What do you most enjoy about surfing?
- a. The numerous likes you’ll get on social media when you post the latest selfies of you smiling at the sunset, surfboard nowhere to be found.
- b. The sea and sun do wonders for your dreadlocks.
- c. The joy you get out of seeing your groms surf exactly like you, poo-man stance, grotesque facial expressions and iron-clad sense of entitlement.
- d. The buzz you get from smoking your opponents in mock heats. Even if they don’t even know you’re competing against them.
“Learning the hard way” by laverrue is licensed with CC BY 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
Question 4: What do you least enjoy about surfing?
- a. The fact you’re totally offline while engaged in the actual act of surfing.
- b. The fact you can’t wear your vintage black-framed glasses in the lineup.
- c. The fact you don’t age backwards like Benjamin Button.
- d. The fact you don’t have the big three surf sponsors fighting amongst themselves to sign a lucrative deal with you.
Question 5: You decide to get a tattoo. What is it?
- a. “Live, laugh, love” on your forearm, lower back or ribs.
- b. A hand-poked anchor.
- c. The names of your kids underneath baby portraits of them, rendered so crappily they look like deformed Winston Churchill’s.
- d. A really trite quote like”Stay humble”, “No Fear”, “Winners never quit” or “Big Success takes Big Balls.”
“BEACH MODELS IN SPEEDO SWIMSUITS 1940s” by Public Record Office Victoria is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0
Question 6: How do you react to other surfers’ bad behaviour in the water?
- a. Tag them on social media and #callthemout.
- b. Ironically name a craft beer after them.
- c. As it’s invariably your kids that are misbehaving in the lineup, you do nothing.
- d. The only person misbehaving is me, and that’s only ‘coz I’m about to land a huge sponsor and I need the practice. Or, my next door neighbour is starting a surf label and he promised me I can join his team and get a 17% discount on all t-shirts not in my size.
Question 7: What is your ultimate wish for life?
- a. To start a Youtube channel and get paid for people watching clips of you drinking coffee while staring intensely out of a backlit window.
- b. To be an accordion player in a retro folk band.
- c. To be a surf coach for your kids a-la-Gabe Medina’s step dad.
- d. To win the Olympics and have your home town renamed after you.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You’re an Instasurfer. The sole reason for your surfing existence is to post photo’s of you looking hot and/or soulful and/or interesting on social media. You’re addicted to likes, your sustenance is reactions and you thrive on comments.
Mostly B’s. You’re a hipster. If it isn’t pics of coffee, craft beer, vintage bicycles, vintage clothes, vintage tattoo’s, vintage torture devices on your feed, it’s pictures of you surfing your vintage refurbished log/fish in a vintage wetsuit the texture of tarmac.
Mostly C’s. You’re a rad dad/yummy mummy. You either started surfing late in life after seeing your grom’s have a ball in the water, or you pushed your kids into surfing at an early age, hoping they’d be the next John-John Florence when for all you know they’re more likely to be the next John Candy.
Mostly D’s. You’re a wannabe pro. We’re not denying you may possess some talent, but perspective is key here Dude. Becoming a pro surfer is hard. Trust us, Trident knows.
