Unless you currently reside in an Antarctic research station, surrounded by snow, ice, cold, mountains, penguins and shapeshifting aliens hellbent on absorbing and imitating you, you’ll be faced with some degree of crowd when you surf. However, we at Trident are nothing if not innovative. We’ve come up with a few suggestions for you on how to avoid crowds altogether. Or more accurately – ways to ensure crowds avoid you altogether.
Number 1: Smell really bad.
Never shower. Like, ever. Drool. Soil yourself. Eat garlic. Wear garlic. Shampoo with fish chum and condition with raw sewage. Whatever it takes, Trident can categorically state this method will work. Even if it’s simply because the toothy predators circling your stank ass means everyone else in the lineup will give you the widest berth possible.
Number 2: Be really, really unpleasant to hang around.
Trident is progressive, tolerant, pleasant, measured, polite, friendly, fun, entertaining, wholesome, community-minded, empathic, thoughtful, encompassing, charitable, encouraging and diplomatic. To avoid crowds, be none of these things. Swear loudly and aggressively for no reason whatsoever. Look like you’re constantly on the verge of a cataclysmic fist fight with everyone else in the lineup, even if it’s a kids’ birthday party surf. Be racist, sexist and prejudiced against everything, even to the point of contradicting yourself. Of course, nobody will point this out. ‘Coz nobody will ever want to talk to you. A possible win, until everyone applauds loudly when you get eaten by a shark.
Number 3: Spout the most outlandish conspiracy theories possible.
Sure, one could always argue we covered this in the above point. However, in these uncertain times and faced with an almost constant barrage of misinformation, being that one person in the lineup taking conspiracy theories one step more outrageous will guarantee crowds go out of their way to not be around you to hear your drivel. Loudly, adamantly and indiscriminately claim “facts” to anyone in the parking lot, lineup or within general earshot. Things like:
“The earth isn’t a sphere nor is it flat, it is shaped like a badminton racket.”
“5G causes obesity, hair loss, halitosis, poor fashion choices, the inability to speak in any language but Orcish and doing donuts in empty parking lots at night in a souped-up rideable lawnmower.”
“Forget veganism. The only way to truly eat clean and healthy is to ingest nothing but dew and brick dust.”
‘Love is love, no matter in what form. This is why I dress up my pets in lingerie. Even my parakeet.”
Number 4: Be radioactive.
Easy enough. Of course, you’ll never live long enough to actually ever have to worry about crowds.
Number 5: Be a crime boss.
Whether the old school, prohibition-era Al Capone “now look here, see” type, or the dodgy London gangster kind, or an LA gangbanger or even a local crime lord running an illegal gardening service – people are intimidated by you in a way even the most hardcore surf local does not come close to emulating. Generally speaking, the only people who’d be interested in being around you would be sycophantic henchmen and spineless types looking to fall under your protection. Also, the cops. Who no doubt are on your payroll anyhow. However, Trident is a firm believer in karma, and trusts to Poseidon if you go this route – the ocean will serve you your just desserts.
