Let’s just start off by saying: from the get-go, a complete ban on beaches makes as much sense as competing in Iron Man while dressed in leather bondage gear.
We. Have. Been. Saying. This. Over and over. And over… and over and so on and so forth ad infinitum ad nauseam. Yet our pleas to surf have fallen on deaf ears, so we’ve either had to resort to surfing undercover, like James Bond with a Channel Islands – or we’ve simply accepted our fate, stayed at home and replaced surfing with eating seafood-flavoured chips or weeping incessantly while reading old ‘zags. Or something. How did you personally cope with another ban imposed upon us? Tune us in the comments section. Granted – it’s summer, but we were all expecting fun little bowls and hot days with the promise of the ocean to cool us off.
Of course, the powers that be refused to see our point of view – and tales of policemen hunting surfers like human vermin, backed up by 5 squad cars, a full army battalion, civilians brandishing half bricks and a misguided sense of civic duty, internet trolls, nuclear weapons, Attila the Hun impersonators, the Death Star, half of the Decepticons, the Predator and the ghost of Margaret Thatcher began to surface.
To this exact second, it rankles Trident that surfing was disallowed yet dubiously healthy and “safe” activities such as being indoors at a sketchy mob-run casino was alright, alright, alright – to steal from Matthew McConaughey. Nevertheless, despite the overwhelming sense being allowed to surf (or bodyboard, longboard, paddle ski, foil or grudgingly, SUP) made – it was only on the first of February that Cyril allowed our playground to be opened once more. (It remains to be seen exactly when it is officially opened, but try explaining this to a bunch of stampeding hippies storming Muizenberg while trying not to trip over their own dreadlocks.)
Without sounding like a Negative Nancy, every time Trident watches Cyril address the nation, we half cover our eyes like his speech is the scariest movie since Tyler Perry’s last flick where he’s in drag (Ed’s note: that’s all of them) and we expect the Imperial March from Star Wars to play in the background. (This also applies to any South African politician, at any given moment.) The fact remains, beaches are open, booze is allowed again – and sooner or later we will see crowds all over the nation dwarfing the opening battle scene in Lord of the Rings. So be safe, be responsible, but surf your hearts out boys and girls. Meanwhile, Trident reached out to a number of surfers to hear their personal wisdom, experiences of the beach ban and opinions on it:
Anonymous said: “Beach ban? What beach ban?” Followed by, “I certainly will not be thanking anyone for lifting the beach ban.” Anonymous was then distracted by a hot chick in yoga gear and nothing further coherent could be coaxed from them.
Surfing chef Allan Bezuidenhout, owner of the excellent fine dining restaurant Muse in Port Elizabeth, said this: “Beaches are open so sanity can return. How crazy was the last 6 weeks? Driving under trees and bridges just to get barrelled. Duck diving in swimming pools just to feel alive again. Nooit okes. Could we ever have imagined this? Thoughts of buying a camo outfit and leopard crawling through the bush to get to the beach. Snorkeling through the line up and catching a wave before bolting back to your helicopter and flying home just to avoid a fine, arrest or a carguard. I will never miss a surf again even is it is half a foot in gale force winds.”
“It was a tough one, especially with it being summer and everyone just wanting to unwind from the nightmare which was 2020. SAPS’ “diligence” towards the beach ban was another point of contention. Why were they not being seen in other (far more densely crowded) locations? The whole thing was a mess and there obviously wasn’t a lot of thought put into it, but what else would you expect from our government?” Says ex Garden Route goofy shredder, and now Cape Town transplant Heinrich Gericke.
“Not sure if grateful is the word I’d use after they stole our summer,” says sage-like, larger-than-life David Lipschitz who should know – as he’s been running surf shops for years and currently owns Surf Centre in Humewood, Port Elizabeth.
Well known PE Pipe local legend Mervyn Goddard had this to say, “Well, sanity prevailed… Go surf Brothers. Never take what we love for granted. Appreciate every surf… Don’t be a Doos, be lekka.”
Garden Route ripper, Gregory Cuthbert, proudly announced: “What I can say is, you can always sneak in a surf no matter what circumstance.”
NMB Surfing executive, Petronel Posthumus, said: “Reopening the beaches is long overdue. Very pleased that decision makers have finally come to their senses. Being at beach and in the ocean is something that lifts the spirit while the pandemic wreaks so much damage in other areas of life. Hopefully public will use beach responsibly to avoid any future closure.”
Longtime PE local, Jorg Brand, still ripping well into his 40’s had the following profound comment on the overzealous cop actions on the few surfers who dared defy lockdown: “We all know the beach ban was completely illogical except for those few that had different perceptions but that’s ok. What is not ok is the police bullying us as soft targets. Will they now put as much focus and energy into real crime as they did on keeping people off the beach? The answer is no.”
Expert surfboard shaper, all right lekker oke and owner of the Boardroom Surfboards in Port Elizabeth, Dennis Ellis, tuned Trident the following: “Release the surf hounds! And they have been released. Rabid and starved the stokefire has finally been fueled. There has been surfing here and there during the lockdown but there is nothing like knowing you won’t spend the night in tjooky after ones’ surf. Not a nice thought in a body hugging wetsuit. Everyone is sunburnt, everyone is tired. It feels fantastic. But remember if you feel Stockholm Syndromish and want to to thank uncle Cyril, our message to him should rather be ‘Never again Bru, never again'”.
Talented Eastern Cape photographer William Veitch, who is frothing to shoot some surfing again, had the following to say (Ed’s note: Well, he actually had a kakload to say, but we had to edit it for brevity): “As mentioned up at the top somewhere, the creative mind awakens late at night and my next little idea/project that has been frothing up in the grey matter for a while now comes to light, I will be shooting some video footage of the locals in the coming weeks, providing the surf is up to scratch, then piece a few clips together to create a “short film” of approximately 5-6 minutes, featuring some local spots and local surfers…worth a try I suppose, nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
Anyone disagree with these wise words? If so, we strongly advise you stop drinking turpentine.
