Previously, Trident had the Top Five list of weird locals. This was followed by the list of Top Five creepiest locals. Note: characteristics of any of these kinds of locals can overlap. This week, Trident is focussing on the Top Five most irritating locals and their wildly (and most likely unintentionally) creative ways to annoy the desire to live a long life out of their fellow surfers.
Number 1: The local who offers constant unsolicited advice
“Don’t paddle out now bru, the tide is all wrong. Are you even a local?”
“Brah, that board is all wrong for you – you should get a ‘insert flavour of the month surfboard shape here’.”
“My bru, all your padding should end on an even number.”
“Dude, you should really wax your board in a clockwise motion.”
“The best thing to wear under your wetsuit is a adult diaper – trust me – I know.”
“I have too many teeth, please punch me in the face now.”
Oh just shut up already. If we wanted advice, we’d either definitely ask someone else – or ram our hands up your behind and work your mouth like a ventriloquist’s puppet.
Number 2: The local who never has their own stuff
Towels, sunblock, wax. We occasionally all forget these things, or we run out of them at the most inopportune moments. But this particular stooge never has their own. Like, ever. Trident has observed this with much exasperation. Trident is all for unconditional generosity. But even we have our limits with this annoying breed of local. Even though this local is generally cool otherwise, we suggest setting aside some “special” wax and sunblock for the next tragic encounter with this fool. Perhaps after just one blob of woodglue instead of sunblock and coconut-scented soap disguised as wax and they’ll avoid asking you for stuff in the future. Fungus or lice infected towels work equally as well. Just saying. And if they forget their wetsuit or surfboard (or both) – Trident gives you express permission to karate kick them in the face if they ask to borrow yours.
Number 3: The local loudmouthed grom and his annoying posse of sycophantic knobs
Trident is known to be sympathetic towards the plight of groms. For the most part, these buck-toothed, grinning little sunburnt bags of youthful energy are an absolute delight. Then you get the other kind of grom. The kind of grom that would’ve been well cast as Damien, son of the devil, in the Omen. Now, before you start looking for their 666 birthmarks, be informed that all groms do eventually grow up. Sure, some of them will no doubt remain the same rude, inconsiderate, snaking little snots they always were – but by then they’ll be adults – and a headbutt won’t get you in trouble. Well, maybe not in as much trouble.
Number 4: The wannabe pro
This guy has a couple of half-arsed sponsorships from Daft Dodo clothing and Cheapoland Funeral Homes; as well as an endorsement from some obscure surfwax brand nobody has ever heard of (but most people suspect is a knockoff brand of Vaseline this chap has appropriated as a surf company.) This local is generally not unpleasant, but is utterly self delusional. They have some ability for sure, but they take themselves way too seriously and are “always in training”. For what, Poseidon alone knows. And at age 30 and beyond, you’ve kinda missed the train for the CT there pal.
Number 5: The guys who’s an exceptional athlete in another sport – and an utter kook when they try out surfing
This surfer can go either way, as being a really good sportsperson in another field may give them a sense of humility when suddenly pursuing an unfamiliar sport… and completely and inevitably sucking at it. Being top level athletes in their respective fields yet being a kook at surfing may make them really humble and fun to be around, as they simply surf for sheer enjoyment. However… there is the other kind. This guy or girl has excelled in another sports discipline, therefore believes they’ll conquer the surfing world within a few days. “Go for it,” Trident says, “Dungeons is a great place to begin.” Here’s the kicker – not only do they feel they’ll nail the intricacies of surfing within a few hours of first paddling out – they also demand the same immediate and unconditional respect from surfers around them as they do when teeing off at the country’s most prestigious golf courses, or strapping on them rollerblades.
