We all have our limits. For newbies, it may be a hard 4 foot. For more experienced surfers, the limit might be 8 – 10 foot. If your nickname is Twiggy or your surname sounds like a first name (Lenny), you have no limits. For most of us mere mortals however, at some point we’ll be making up excuses for not paddling out when we feel the wave size is far beyond our skill, experience and ability to prevent involuntary incontinence. Here’s some handy excuses Trident has prepared in advance:
Number 1: I wanna wait for the tide to drop/push, wind to change, swell to really kick in
“I’m waiting for the tide to push brah, it’s gonna be epic.”
“Dude, just wait for the wind to swing slightly, it’ll produce an elevator drop from Hell into a tube from Heaven.”
“I’m giving it another two or three hours my bru, this twenty foot child’s play will be more my size, a solid 30 foot or more I scheme.”
Well well well. By suggesting you’d rather wait for nature to improve the waves, not only are you already indicating how hardcore you are – but you’re also suggesting you have some Yoda-like knowledge of the ideal conditions. You’re hardcore and a local. You’re like Chuck Norris if he was bitten by a radioactive spider. Nobody will trouble you any further. Unless you’re stupid enough to say you’re undergunned. In which case, go fetch your rhino chaser and paddle out, oh great Dungeons-master.
Number 2: My old rugby/lawn bowls/surfing/military/videogaming/tapdancing/mugging/car accident/hula-hooping/juggling injury is acting up
Trident has legitimate old injuries. These old ailments often wreak havoc surf-wise, and we suspect many other surfers globally have the same hassles. So this is a difficult one to prove otherwise. Go with it, but be prepared to produce a doctor’s certificate if need be. If all else fails, “accidentally” stand in the way of a fellow surfer reversing from the parking lot and let them ride over your foot. Hey! Presto! You have a genuine injury and a perfectly acceptable reason not to surf.
Number 3: I need to get to work/attend my own wedding/go to my parole hearing
Nothing says “I have more important places to be and more important things to do than waste my precious time in this big surf” than suddenly announcing you have a prior engagement. Still, if your previous commitment was so damn important and urgent in the first place… what in the name of Neptune are you doing watching the waves in the first place ‘ey?
Number 4: I’m in a witness protection programme
“And I’ll need to lay low for a few days, until I’ve testified. And I’ll miss the swell. Oh dear. Oh gosh darn it all.” Well that’s settled then.
Number 5: I’m kak scared
There you have it folks. Honesty is the best policy, and hopefully your sincerity and candour will earn you some respect. Pffft, whatever!
