Hey, let’s not be so quick to judge. Some of you believe the earth is flat and actually believe in Magic Seaweed. So let’s take a serious look at astrological signs – and the implications for the kind of surfer you’re likely to be.
Aries – March 21 – April 19
Surfers born under the goat sign tend to think of themselves as inspirational leaders and pioneers. Of course, only they believe this, while every other surfer in the water think they’re an insufferable douche. Arien surfers believe they are well respected in the lineup, but this is partly because of their almost inherent narcissistic personality disorder. These surfers are loud and obnoxious, but nobody takes them seriously. They are most likely to form a surf club with themselves as chairperson, without another single member.
Taurus – April 20 – May 20
Taurus has a bull symbol for a very good reason. These surfers are stubborn, obstinate and bullheaded and are about as adaptable as Donald Trump is to climate change. They are be practical and hardworking, so you’ll see them surfing a wave with the same amount of pleasure as one would derive from removing broken glass from one’s feet.
Gemini – May 21 – June 20
Gemini’s are bright and flexible, and are the star sign most likely to suffer from multiple personalities. As surfers, they are unpredictable to say the least. They could react to say, a hideous drop-in and subsequent surfboard damage with calm grace and charm. Then again, they could just as easily react to another surfer simply looking at them by fetching a speargun and threatening their life.
Cancer – June 21 – July 22
Cancers have a pathological need to feel secure and safe. Therefore as surfers, they are completely dysfunctional. They are a neon glowing sign above their head short of saying “please burn me” every time they paddle out. They are harmless but occasionally overdramatic and annoying as hell. When you do in fact burn them, they will sigh theatrically, roll their eyes and be all passive/aggressive. Ignore.
Leo – July 23 – August 22
Oh for the love of Poseidon – this sign. Unlike Aries – who can at least admit they don’t give a hoot what people think while wanting to be leaders, Leo’s want to be leaders while simultaneously believing everyone absolutely adores them. Which is about as far from the truth as soap works equally as well as surfwax. Leo’s are pushy, arrogant attention-seekers, but they have their bad points as well.
Virgo – August 23 – September 22
The first ever working AI robot will most likely have their “on” button activated under the sign of Virgo. The quintessential Virgo surfer is logical, cold, pedantic and a stickler for detail. Stickler for detail… every sticker on their boards/cars is perfectly arranged, their wetsuit immaculate, their wax job excellently combed to perfection. These guys are the secret police of the surfing world, with a slightly better sense of humour.
Libra – September 23 – October 22
Librans are supposedly extremely balanced. In other words, indecisive as balls. Watch their hilarious internal struggles in the parking lot as they try decide which of two spots to surf, until both spots stop working or the sun has set, most likely after soiling themselves because they couldn’t decide to the bathroom earlier.
Scorpio – October 23 – November 21
For some obscure reason, Scorpio’s the world over consider themselves to be the coolest of the star signs and surfing Scorpio’s are no exception. Secretive, mysterious and sly, this arachnid steals waves from under your nose then accuses you of doing the same when confronted. Scorpio’s are always right you see. They are the anti vaxxers of the surf astrological signs.
Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21
Sagittarian surfers may be enthusiastic and charismatic, but are flaky and about as emotionally stable as a baboon on methamphetamines going through a divorce. They are reckless and don’t think things through much, so you’ll often see them in a remote part of the Transkei, surfing ten foot closeouts onto dry reefs surrounded by cow carcasses. Weirdly enough, they tend to be lucky despite themselves, so although these surfers suffer a tremendous lack of talent, they will sail blithely through any potentially perilous surf completely unscathed.
Capricorn – December 22 – January 19
Capricorn surfers have the emotional range of a cupboard. Conservative and afraid of taking risks, you may only ever see them surfing one surf spot over and over, and only ever at a certain size. Capricorns seem to lack the ability to blink, and if you watch them long enough checking out the waves from the parking lot, you may actually mistake them for the world’s crappest avant-garde statue.
Aquarius – January 20 – February 18
Aquarians are inventive and progressive, excellent traits for surfing. They push the limits of what is possible in surfing; 360 kickflips and 45 second tubes. here’s the kicker though. That’s what they say. Their creativity tends to be channelled into barely believable stories they later try to pass off as reality. And yet… they are not liars per se. They genuinely believe in their own reality they create. In other words, they’re crazier than a rat in a porta potty.
Pisces – February 19 – March 20
Piscean surfers are very easily discernible by the fact you’ll most often find them crying by themselves on the beach. Sensitive, creative, extremely emotional and ultimately delusional, they are woefully under-equipped to deal with any kind of human feelings whatsoever. They win a contest? They’ll cry. They lose a heat? They’ll cry. They get shouted at? They cry. They get praised? They cry. They read this article? They cry.
