Social media. The scourge of not only the surfing world, but the world in general. Once upon a time, social media was fun and whimsical, now it’s apparently just another a way to spread dissent, propaganda, outright lies, false information, fake news and a platform for stupid people to ask stupid questions like “how do you make creamed spinach without cream? Or spinach?”
Social media is especially scorned in the surfing world. Online surf reports have brought science to the surfing mainstream, allowing even the most meteorologically-challenged bumpkin a reasonably accurate way of predicting surf. So there’s that. With the advent of mobile applications such as WhatsApp, surf reports can be even more individualistic. Indeed, whether it’s to a large WhatsApp group, or one friend only, we surfers often can drop reports via voice note these days. So here’s Trident’s take on what a voice note tends to sound like:
“Howzeet mah Charna. What’s happening brah?!
Okay, so I’ve arrived at Spot A. Ja it’s pretty windy right now hey… But I scheme it’ll calm down in the next hour or so. Still, it’s pretty busy as well hey. And a coupla okes dressed as Amish farmers are paddling out. Could be heavy local vibes ekse.
Gonna mission to Spot B rather. (Sounds of car revving and driving away at pace.) Okay lekker bru, here now – waves look okay – ag, just hang on – ‘Nooit bru, I have diddly squat on me hey, next time.’
Sorry my brah, some hobo car guard was knocking on the window looking for bucks. He tunes for tap dancing lessons. He looked the business and all, he was wearing polka dot tights and his shoes were made of braai logs. Anyway. Ok, so where was I hey? Yoh, just hang on brah – some lekker eye candy now… Okay, she’s got a sjambok, and an oke with a dog collar on a leash. Ja, now he’s peeing against a tree, on all fours, with one leg raised up. Uh uh. That’s a hard no. Not this chick. Not my type bru.
Jisso, just checked a kiff set ekse! But it’s kinda mostly closing out bru, onto that dry reef ‘coz of the low tide. I reckon I could manage it, I’m quite the shredder – but maybe not so much your style cuz. So gonna drive off and check Spot C.
Spot C just looks kak brah. It’s like, 4, maybe 5 foot – and running for like 200 metres, but it’s not really good enough for me. I need at least 6 foot and barrelling, and it needs to run at least an extra 50 metres or so before it’s really good. Ja, so, not surfing here my bru – let’s move onto Spot D, that could be kiff with the pushing tide shortly.
No wait, there’s a protest going on there at Spot D – apparently, it’s ‘Workers against discrimination against people who resemble aardvarks while being pro choice for trans gender plumbers’. So ja brah, all ten of these okes are disrupting the parking lot and the routes in and out. So self righteous and selfish. They don’t think about others. Not like me bru. Us surfers. I just want a spot all to myself and my charna’s, just okes who can actually surf – and nobody else.
Okay, let’s hit the road again, Spot E it is. (Car horn blares) Hey! Get out the road ekse! Sorry bru, just a lady with a pram trying to cross the road at a pedestrian crossing, ‘the hell does she think she is?!
Okay, Spot E is kak. Lekker cuz, I’m going home for a nap then a beer. Maybe the weekend hey.”
