Last year, Trident wrote what we assumed was the definitive guide to astrology and surfing. Yet, with each passing year, we each grow wiser. So, this year Trident has learned that it’s actually psychology and not astrology that determines personality and behaviour. Wisdom. But we don’t care, we’re gonna have another crack at surfers and their star signs anyhow.
“Milky Way Sky” by Wallboat is marked with CC0 1.0
Aries March 21 – April 19
Arien surfers are arrogant, loudmouthed, obnoxious and have a goat as a star sign. That’s nearly as uncool as having a virgin as their star sign. Unless it’s Kelly Slater. The goat. Anyhow, as we said, surfers born under Aries are opinionated, loudmouthed, obnoxious – but of course, they do have some really bad points as well. They’re the kind of douchebag who’ll constantly snake and drop in on other surfers, then when someone has the gall to do it to them – they’ll try enlist the aid of other surfers in the lineup to be on their side. This will usually fail miserably as everyone else thinks the Arien surfer should’ve been chained to a pickup truck since birth.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
These surfers are about as elegant and subtle as a wrecking ball that’s broken its chain and is rumbling uncontrollably down a steep hill full of children and elderly people. In case the metaphor was lost on you people; here’s another one: bull in a china shop. A pig as its star sign may be more appropriate to Taurus, as these surfers are about as stubborn and pig-headed as Trident is when refusing to eat broccoli or try a quad fin set-up.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Gemini surfers are the poster children for bipolar behaviour in the lineup. It’s no coincidence they have twins as their symbol, as they tend to be utterly unhinged and unpredictable and pride themselves on having two aspects to their personality. However, those two aspects tend to be either “screaming banshee or miserable douche” or “manic bumblebee on speed or comatose brick”. Their behaviour in the water tends to reflect this; going from pleasant to insane and back again with about as much consistency as a roulette wheel.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Surfers born under the sign of Cancer desire safety above all else. Hence, you’ll more than likely identify them in the lineup from a distance by being the only ones surfing when it’s less than 2 foot, with a soft top surfboard wearing 5mm wetsuits in Durban in summer, with a motorcycle crash helmet and a reflective construction vest.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Leo surfers are unequivocally the most deluded of the star signs. Despite being almost universally despised, Leo surfers truly believe they will constantly win first prize in any given popularity contest. In fact, if you poll a random selection of locals at any given surf break who they most loathe amongst their peers, every damn Leo in the region will come out on top, with Aries being a close second. Somehow, Leo will take this as a sign of being popular, given they live in their own personal universe where they are undisputed royalty. Even if it means being King or Queen of all douchedom.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Virgo surfers are logical, calculating and have all the warm emotional range of a broken refrigerator. But wait – there’s more. They are anal retentive to the point of pathology; every bump of wax needs to be immaculate, every turn and carve they do must rival perfection or it simply doesn’t count. Virgo’s would make good surf judges, if they weren’t so apt to be stoned to death by the very competitors they’re judging. Even if said competitors are in the U14 Grom divisions.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Many people assume Libran surfers behave similarly to Gemini’s; as each have pairs as their symbols. This simply is not true. Twin Gemini’s are simply about behaving as utterly unpredictably as possible, the Jekyll and Hyde of the surfing world if you will. Whereas Librans are all about balance. Indeed, they have a pair of scales as their symbol; but this actually renders them incapable of making the simplest decision. They are indecisive to a fault. They will inevitably suffer a complete mental breakdown every time they order a new surfboard and have to make decisions about details like shaper to use, what fin system and setup to use, what materials to use, what colour to spray it and whether to pop pics of it up on Instagram or Pinterest. Then watch them lose whatever mental faculties they have left when the board arrives and they have to decide where to surf it.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Trident mentioned this last year – but it bears repeating. Scorpio’s consider themselves to be the coolest, and most badass of the star signs. Apropos of nothing, a Scorpio will tell you they’re a Scorpio, often slipping in the “fact” that the Scorpion is the sexiest of the star signs. Of course, if you’ve ever had the pleasure of dating or even just surfing with a Scorpio, you’ll know they’re about as sexy as roadkill.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Sagittarian surfers are wild, carefree, adventurous and generally always in a good mood. In other words, utterly flaky and about as reliable as a wetsuit made from fishnet stockings. These twits are rootless drifters, easily bored – and ironically, for all their flakiness; in turn rather boring themselves. Not that they’d see that at all. They see themselves as free spirited pioneers. They’re the surfers you’re most likely to see in a video clip, riding a revamped retro fish and proclaiming themselves the saviours of the surfing world.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Capricorn surfers are very conservative. Very. Which makes them rather bottled up in terms of any display of feelings. They are emotionally constipated in other words. Indeed, Capricorns have all the personality of your car’s roof racks, albeit not quite as useful.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Aquarian surfers are the progressives of the surfing world. Idealistic and forward-thinking; one would expect them to be the progenitors of the sport’s most inventive moves, shove-its, kickflips and different air grabs. However, all Aquarians are actually capable of is joining new age cults and attempting to make their own surf wax from their own recycled bodily fluids.
Pisces February 19 – March
Surfers born under Pisces are the precise opposite of Capricorn and Cancerian surfers. Whereas those two star signs are about as emotionally available as beach sand; Pisces is by far the most emotional and sensitive of the star signs. One would never know however, because their emotional reaction to pretty much anything is tears. They will break down in hyper sensitive tears of gratitude when doing something as simple as receiving surf wax. After they’d paid for it. As they are the emotional equivalent of a black hole, when it comes to Pisces – Avoid. Capital A.
