Dearest readers, Trident has a bubbling suspicion you didn’t pay enough attention in Part One and Part Two of our series on surfing injuries. Anyhow, whether you can remember said previous articles word for word, or you simply vaguely recall their green Surf Science headers, surf injuries should be taken seriously. Even the tiny reef cut on your pinky toe can potentially become so infected, said toe can end up resembling a rugby ball. Albeit a rugby ball swampy with the smell of decaying human flesh.
So if you previously weren’t paying attention, please do so now. You never know, perhaps you could maybe save someone’s life some day. Indeed, you could even save your own life by reading those previous articles on injuries and answering these questions as best you can. So go ahead, aim to be a hero and crack this quiz. A hero courtesy of Trident sharing know-how.
Question 1: You see another surfer who seems to have lost their board and looks to be in serious trouble in the water. What do you do?:
Option a. Try not to panic, alert whoever you can – and if need be – paddle out on your surfboard knowing you’ll need to use it as a flotation device.
Option b. Start crying hysterically and run for the hills, yelling at everyone you see that someone is drowning.
Option c. Start dividing up said drowning surfer’s equipment amongst you and your crew. As far as you’re concerned though, his bakkie is yours.
Option d. Implore Poseidon to accept this accidental sacrifice on your behalf, so the King of the Seas will send some waves your way.
Question 2: What is the best thing to do when caught in a rip current?:
Option a. Try not to panic, and instead of pointlessly trying to paddle directly to shore, rather paddle parallel to the shore line. Eventually you’ll find your way back to dry land.
Option b. Start crying hysterically, soil yourself then pray for forgiveness for laughing at the time Grandpa followed through on the dance floor at your sister’s wedding. Assume there were other sins too, so try to fit them all in before you die in the watery embrace of the sea.
Option c. Start paddling away from shore out to sea. You figure a gnarly ocean current is the perfect, legitimate excuse to be away from work for the next two weeks.
Option d. Trust in the theory of evolution, and that you’ll evolve fins and gills in the next few minutes. Safe as houses then mate.
Question 3: What is the best thing to do when you/someone has an open, severe wound from a surfboard/hard sharp object?:
Option a. Try not to panic, and stop the blood flow as best you can. Depending on severity, a surf leash makes a good tourniquet, but pressure to the wound also helps. Go to casualty immediately.
Option b. If the wound is to yourself start crying hysterically, and yell: “I see the tunnel of Light! I’m gonna see you again real soon Grandpa!” If the wound is to someone else, start crying hysterically.
Option c. If the wound is to someone else, who cares? If you’re the one who’s wounded, you’re gonna find the offending owner of the rogue surfboard, and beat seventeen shades of hell outta him. Even if it’s your own board that hit you.
Option d. Get your GoPro ready to film any sharks alerted to the smell of blood.
Question 4: What is the best thing to do if someone is unconscious?:
Option a. If they’re in the water, get them safely to land as quickly as possible. Don’t move them, and pray nobody has broken into your car and stolen your cell phone. Retrieve phone and call emergency services.
Option b. Cry hysterically and yell at them: “Stay away from the Light!”
Option c. Start dividing up said surfer’s equipment amongst you and your crew. As far as you’re concerned, their boardies and wetsuit is also fair game too. After all, by removing the items from the unconscious person, you’re like, trying to open up their airway or something aren’t you?
Option d. Take some selfies with them. Put your arm around them and post to Instagram. Just not TikTok though, that’s uncalled for.
Question 5: What is the best thing to do in the case of severe stings (bluebottles, jellyfish, lost and confused wasps etc):
Option a. If they’re in the water, get them safely to land as quickly as possible. Check their airways as well as where they were stung in the first place. Again, don’t mess about – once again pray nobody has broken into your car and stolen your cell phone. Retrieve phone and call emergency services.
Option b. Start crying hysterically and remember that time you soiled yourself when you were five and were likewise stung by a bluebottle.
Option c. Pee on them. Oh that’s a fallacy about urine helping stings, is it? Here, have some as well!
Option d. Take some selfies of you saving them by peeing on them. (Ed’s note: Urine does not help stings people. You’re welcome to try it though. Harmless. Er… )
Question 6: What should you do with a patient suffering from severe dehydration, fatigue and/or muscle cramps?
Option a. Get them some water asap, and even better – decent sports drinks with electrolytes, vitamins and that kinda fancy stuff. Just not energy drinks folks.
Option b. Start crying hysterically and hope your tears help to hydrate them.
Option c. Pee on them. Come on brah, that’s called helping with hydration!
Option d. Bring them some seawater. Duh! All the water you could possibly need is right there!
Question 7: If someone whose life you have just saved offers you a reward, what is the correct protocol?
Option a. Decline it, and humbly say, “It’s actually all due to Trident Surf I was able to prevent any loss of life. Please send them the reward instead.”
Option b. Start crying hysterically and accept the reward. Graciously thank them and say you’ll be sending them all your future food and tax returns. They owe you damn it!
Option c. Snatch the reward, then subtly suggest they give you their car as well. They owe you damn it!
Option d. Ask them if the reward means you can build a commune in their backyard and live with them. They owe you damn it! And they really should name their first born after you.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You’re just a hero. Decent, brave and selfless. You could be Trident Surf’s editor.
Mostly B’s. There’s a good heart in you. Somewhere. We guess.
Mostly C’s. You have a heart of gold. All yellow, cold and hard.
Mostly D’s. You have been off your medication far too long.
