Surf car guards.

Car guards. Love them, loathe them or believe they are only fit for human scientific experimentation, car guards are an inevitable and distinct part of South African surf culture. Sure, car guards are ubiquitous these days, not just near surf breaks. You’ll find them at malls, restaurants, drinking establishments, churches, and without irony – at car dealerships. Yet, they are extremely tied to surf subculture in the parking lot. Brave, security conscious gladiators, ready to defend a complete stranger’s vehicle to the death – or drunken extortionists supreme, unable to adequately exert full bladder control? Trident investigates.

There can be no doubt a surfer’s car is about as vulnerable as a vehicle can get. And this is South Africa we’re talking about; where although the vital organs black market doesn’t thrive as much as in say, eastern Europe – there are thieves out there willing to snatch wheelchairs from their own parents in the name of a quick buck. As surfers, we have to leave our cars unattended for long periods of time. “So do people at the mall!” We hear you say. “So what, we all have to do so occasionally!” We hear you say. However, as we have to venture into the ocean, surfers don’t have the luxury of simply walking away from their car, vaguely secure in the knowledge they at least have their car key on them. No. We either need to stash plastic copies in our wetsuits, or rely on clunky keylocks, neither of which are ideal. So until we have cars with retina recognition software, or fingerprint or breath tech, or security systems available that immediately electrocute anyone the car doesn’t automatically register as its rightful owner – we surfers all still have to rely on the goodwill of our local, garden variety car guard. As low tech as car security can get.

Trident has made the acquaintance of several car guards over the years. Some car guards are extremely knowledgeable about surf conditions – superficially for the area they patrol. Then there are others, who sometimes notice rubber clad idiots carrying blocks of foam towards the big moving wet thing near the sand away from the parking lot. Trident would suggest these are the sort of car guards that got their reflective vests by stealing them off a construction site, or by clotheslining a Mr Delivery guy on his scooter then swiping his blue vest (yes, Trident has actually seen “legitimate” car guards wearing vests which very clearly have sweet Fanny Addams to do with car guarding).

Can’t we suit up our car guards in steel armour? Perhaps then they’d feel better equipped when confronting criminals who generally have to simply glance menacingly at car guards for them to back down. Let’s be honest team. Being a car guard is a pretty kak job. Unless you factor in no actual work, being outdoors all day and having the freedom the indulge in all the glue sniffing you can handle. Then again… being outdoors all day. When the surf is on in winter, so too can the weather be on. Think about that the next time you ignore the car guard at your local, standing resolute in pouring rain and hurricane winds whose name you known but you’ve never tipped ya cheap bastard.

Bottom line is, many car guards are about as useful as a dismantled toaster during loadshedding. But there’s never a reason to be impolite. Carry some extra petty cash on you for the times you surf (no need to bring a designer wallet full of credit cards and cash if you can help it, nor a laptop nor unattended jet ski’s or the like). Also, don’t arrive ready for a surf in a Rolls Royce. Trident has seen folks in expensive cars flat out refuse to pay parking attendants (the formal name for car guards), yet their fuel costs, insurance and monthly repayments are inordinately disproportionate to what they should pay the poor knob standing watch over said vehicle.

Suss out the dude. We’re South Africans, we have an innate sense of who is dodgy and who seems okay. So if you know the oke, pay him a little something. If your gut tells you the car guard feels shiftier than a besuited politician swearing they had no dealings with Eskom, walk away.