If you haven’t already read our article on a political party for Trident, please do so here. In our follow up article, we construct a questionnaire to help you understand the political ideology of this hypothetical Trident party.
So. Here we go with another of our (in)famous quizzes. Consider this our political manifesto if you will. If you’re not convinced to vote for us yet – you will be.
Question 1: If elected, how should Trident punish surf transgressions in the lineup?
a. Firm but polite words, and a stern suggestion not to do it again any time soon in our presence.
b. Surf tax – they pay for all dings suffered by any surfer in the municipality for a month, new surfboards/wetsuits/medical bills for any damage they directly/indirectly cause, and get to surf etiquette lessons at a surf coach at their own expense of Trident’s choosing.
c. Old school. Harsh words and a thinly veiled threat of violence not working? Well then, a moerse snotklap and/or headbutt, followed by slashing their car tyres and/or writing KOOK on the windshield in wax.
d. If you snake – hung, drawn and quartered. Drop in? Hung, drawn and quartered. If you paddle on the inside – hung, drawn and quartered. Hey, if this is what happened to William Wallace – so be it.
Question 2: Which of the following would be most important to you in terms of security budget expenditure?
a. Shark spotters and lifeguards on jetski’s maintaining the lineup and actually doing some good for a change.
b. Reliable, trustworthy car guards, whose salaries are paid for by the municipality complete with a clock in system. So you know they’re not going to abscond the moment you’re in the water, alerting car theft syndicates who remind them with enough money for cheap wine and/or glue.
c. Enforcers in the lineup just itching to indiscriminately donner anyone, regardless of age, gender or experience.
d. Snipers armed with harpoons and rocket launchers, ready to fire at anyone they deem undesirable – whether in or out the water.
Question 3: What sort of charitable venture would you want Trident to be involved in?
a. Outings to the beach and surf lessons for kids from disadvantaged areas countrywide, many of whom would never have even seen the ocean before.
b. Donations of old surfboards and wetsuits to kids from disadvantaged areas countrywide, many of whom will never see the ocean. Oh well, er, maybe a wavepool too then?
c. Free surf equipment to all cadres. Threats of violence to anyone we don’t know at any given surf spot – even if it’s not our local waves, including threats to actual locals.
d. Sparing the lives of any surfer who paddles around us, drops in or doesn’t wait their turn in the lineup.
Question 4: Which of these is acceptable expenditure for Trident party members in local government?
a. Surf trips.
b. Fact finding political missions abroad. AKA: Surf trips.
c. Surf trips with cadres.
d. Surf trips with a few political opponents. Of whom none will be returning home after accidentally “being lost at sea”, “being lost on uncharted islands”, “eaten by sharks”, “falling victim to political unrest in another country”, or just generally being “lost’>
Question 5: If elected, which of the following large budget concepts would be most exciting to you?
a. Wavepools.
b. Artificial reefs made from recycled materials.
c. Surfboards and wetsuits confiscated from surf etiquette rule breakers and donated to the less fortunate.
d. Artificial reefs made from the bones of your political enemies.
Question 6: If Trident were part of the national government, which region(s) should be declared an independent state and secede from the republic?
a. The entire South African coastline. All almost 3000 kilometres of it.
b. Like, the Garden Route and most of the Eastern Cape. Vic Bay, St Francis, J Bay and the Wild Coast. Like fully chilled vibes ekse.
c. Parts of the Western Cape and KZN. Endless gang and political violence, huge surf crowds to intimidate and threaten.
d. Certain regions of the North West province and Limpopo. Perhaps we could build wavepools there, along with fortified, military style compounds that nobody else can get in. Including actual surfers from the coast.
Question 7: What political traits would you consider to be of paramount importance when voting?
a. Accountability, competence, compassion, understanding, discipline, dedication, commitment and experience.
b. How cool are their free T-shirts prior to any election.
c. Intimidation, prejudice, discrimination, graft and nepotism.
d. To quote Conan the Barbarian: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.”
Results:
Mostly A’s. You are the kind of voter Trident would be proud to have.
Mostly B’s. Your heart is in the right place. Your brain? Up for debate.
Mostly C’s. You need help bru.
Mostly D’. You need help bru. But we get where you’re coming from.
