So there’s a new face in the lineup. Sitting right next to you. Uncomfortably close to you, not to put too fine a point on it, but that’s neither here nor there. He (or she – but for the purposes of this article, we’re simplifying to one gender only) definitely looks the business. They’re wearing a decent wetsuit, their face looks kinda half-grizzled, half-stoked – and although their board is on the bigger side, it has a degree of credibility in its shape as well as its well-regarded brand name. Still… so you’ve never seen this oke before. He’s like, in his 30’s or 40’s. Maybe older. Maybe younger, for all you know, the grizzled face like dry aged biltong the result of being a hardcore surfer in a sunny country.
Anyhow, regardless of exact age, you scheme he’s one of those old school locals that drifted away – either from the surf break, or from surfing in general. Perhaps they drifted away from surfing due to work commitments, family, other interests, or maybe the lure of working abroad. Perhaps an ill-fated stint as a rodeo clown rendered surfing low down on their list of priorities.
Either way, the demeanour of this dude somehow commands respect in the water.
Nobody asked you, Dude.
Sooner or later you overhear him strike up a conversation with some other stooge in the lineup. Or indeed, it’s you he’s honouring with the simple act of talking. The chap starts prattling on about some outta-the-way spot he’s surfed at 12 foot plus. Immediately, suspicion starts kicking in. For example; although you know the spot he’s just mentioned occasionally does get good, the odds of said wave breaking decently is as rare as common sense is in parliament. Also, how come he’s talking about such a random spot as opposed to some of the other, better known breaks in the region? It’s like some surfer waxing lyrical about that eerie stretch of beach between PE and J Bay.
Be equally sceptical when he’s claiming a former sponsorship. If it’s an actual surf brand, maybe the tale is legit. Just maybe. However, if he claims his surf sponsorship came from Shoprite Checkers – it’s highly doubtful this guy knows his fins from his foreskin.
Still, mistrust aside – the ou does seem to know his stuff. So, you ignore your initial scepticism and give him the respect someone of assumed prowess deserves.
What a kook.
Until you see him surf. By Ed Sheeran’s ginger-haired bum, this oke can barely stand up on a surfboard without looking like a drunken French mime. Although to be frank, just seeing the guy’s paddling alone should’ve sent off warning bells; arms flailing about like bits of sticky tape stuck to a faulty electric can opener.
Nonetheless, the sheer lack of surfing ability is difficult to watch when this dude had just claimed to once have been spat out of ten foot barrels in the Woody Cape reserve.
Now, Trident is not suggesting we’re biased and arrogant because the guy surfs about as well as a pot of two minute noodles. No – we’re saying the guy had just talked up his surfing big time. So, on an average fun 2 – 4 foot day, one would expect a gent nattering on about having surfed in 12 foot waves to at least know which foot to put forward.
“Ezra talks to an old surfer” by santheo is licensed with CC BY-NC 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/
Some surfers age like a fine wine, others like milk.
Trident has witnessed cases like this many times. Occasionally, the dude in question proclaiming former glory days can still surf pretty darn well. More often than not however, he surfs like he’s been wearing a fully loaded nappy under his wetsuit for a month. Look, there are many okes who still have skills after a decade or so out the water, if not longer – but some surfers either never had the skill in the first place or somehow drastically lost the ability to surf altogether.
Either way folks, be wary of the guy loudly declaring how he once surfed “10 foot Jail cells”, or some other probably imaginary spot allegedly “just around the corner from Supertubes”. Rather watch them with amusement as they fail with aplomb. Until they land that massive full rotation and put paid to any doubts you may have harboured earlier.
