We really shouldn’t have to say this, but if you haven’t read Part One yet (or you have read it already – good on yer! – and need your amnesiac mind refreshed), read it here.
Trident meandered all over the subject of crime in Part One. In Part Two, we are being straightforward, no-nonsense and hitting hard. We are letting you, our esteemed reader, take part in our crime and surfing questionnaire. So without further ado, let’s go for it:
Question 1: When surfing, where do you put your car keys?
a. In my wetsuit, or cleverly (we hope) hidden somewhere on my vehicle.
b. We bury it in the sand, like a pirate of old! Indeed, we’ve been sneered at by other surfers, who reckon we may as well mark the spot we buried with an “X”.
c. In the ignition.
d. Somewhere on our person, where nobody would ever find it! We ain’t tellin’ though! Okay, you have a trustworthy face – we’ll tell you then – and you only. We swallow it. Or – we bury it in the sand. Alongside the mouldering corpse of someone we once found breaking into our car.
Question 2: Have you ever been a victim of crime, specifically while surfing?
a. Car broken into, stuff stolen – yep. Who hasn’t?
b. Same as a, but you’re also constantly being snaked and dropped in on.
c. Same as a, but you also once drove over your own surfboard in the parking lot, as well as your mate’s – while higher than a weather balloon.
d. Same as a, but then I formed a vigilante group with some okes codenamed things like Howlin’ Mad, Bad Attitude and Face. We drove one of those black panel vans like the cars perverts prefer to conduct their abductions with. I even had my own code name – Hannibal the Cannibal. We kidnapped and tortured anyone we thought were loitering on the streets. Ah! Good times.
Question 3: What steps to undertake to mitigate any potential crime while you’re out surfing?
a. As much as is practical, I try not to bring any seriously valuable stuff with me. No laptops, no wallets, no phones, no jewellery, no safes, no crowns.
b. I stopped surfing altogether. Hah! Try to steal stuff out of my car now!
c. My car is surrounded by pit bulls when I go surfing. Well actually, I just blast Pit Bull from the stereo with the windows open. Surely, that’ll also repel any would-be thieves right?
d. I set my car alight just before paddling out. This is 100% guaranteed to stop anyone breaking in.
Question 4: How do you feel about car guards?
a. A necessary evil. You’re not really sure if they actually do any good – let alone anything – yet you pay them regardless. And often feel a sucker for doing so.
b. The most wonderful, trustworthy, decent people around. You’ll never, for instance, find them anywhere where there’s a hotbed of criminal activity! If that’s not a sign of them being upstanding members of society, I don’t know what is!
c. I feel they should bathe more often.
d. They’re the Imperial Stormtroopers of the surfing communities in South Africa. In other words, they just cluelessly mill about and never hit their targets. Also, they’re fairly easy to hit.
Question 5: Upon seeing any suspicious strangers in the parking lot, what do you do?
a. Pay attention to the car they’re in; make and model as well as licence plate – or just try and recall their appearance if they’re not in a vehicle.
b. A stranger is only a friend you don’t yet know! So I go and politely introduce myself. Any threat of violence or actual stab wounds to myself are on me, perhaps simply because I wasn’t being nice enough?
c. Pay attention to their every movement. Follow them home. Camp outside their house for 3 weeks. Record their every moment on video (bowel movements too quite possibly). Post it all to social media under the caption “My new crush”.
d. Kill them. Only way to be absolutely safe and sure.
Question 6: Assuming you have indeed been a victim of crime while surfing before and reported it to the police, what was your general experience at the station?
a. Frustrating. Let’s leave it at that.
b. Pleasant as can be! I wish I had more crime happen to me personally while I surfed so I can spend more time with the amazing, efficient and wonderful people that are our police force!
c. It felt weird to be there reporting a crime. After all, I was last there after being arrested for surfing during lockdown.
d. The law must not know my name, address or what is underneath my backyard. Ever.
Question 7: What measure should authorities take on beaches in general to improve security overall?
a. More visible police, as well as private security. Cameras. More paid parking and/or lockers. It’s not rocket science.
b. Plant more soothing herbs and fragrant flowers along the beach roads to allow a more mellow vibe. Allow for designated “safe spaces” and be more tolerant to the lawfully challenged.
c. More of those spiky traffic measure-thingies. Mostly to swing around like a medieval morningstar at the baddies. Hell yes!
d. Legalise “pre-emptive self defence”.
Results:
Mostly A’s. You’re fairly sensible. You have long since accepted the sad reality of being vulnerable to petty crime as a surfer, but you do what you can to be secure.
Mostly B’s. You’re completely out of touch with reality. Life is not rainbows, ponies and waves that taste like beer when you wipe out. The world is a harsh, unforgiving place and your sunny attitude, although commendable – is ridiculous. Either you’ve just moved here from another country (or planet) or you’re Spongebob Squarepants.
Mostly C’s. You’re similar to those who mostly answered A, relatively calm, accepting and sanguine but you sometimes forget to take your meds.
Mostly D’. You’re the polar opposite of those answering mostly B’s. You frighten us. Like, a lot. One only hopes you frighten the criminals too.
