No. You’ve got our headline all wrong. This article is not about a small, tightknit group of carefree shredders who moonlight as bankrobbers to fund their endless search for waves.
No, this is about how we surfers are particularly vulnerable to crime. Stating the obvious: you can’t bring your cell with you when you paddle out. Trident supposes you could bring your wallet, assuming it’s a cheap polyester one with velcro. (Ed’s note: Two words – surf leashes, so yes – same material so you could indeed bring a wallet.) Sure – salt water would reduce leather to a slimy, mouldy substance over time but we don’t see how submerging a cheap wallet would ravage the credit cards contained therein. Cash? Well, Trident generally doesn’t carry much cash while at the beach. ‘Coz of, you know – the headline being crime and surfing and also because of being poor and stuff. Still, there is no doubt trying to pay for a post-surf case of beer with a soggy wad of wet paper with Madiba’s distorted face on it would be frowned upon.
What practical measures can surfers take to mitigate their unique vulnerability?
We’re slightly off topic here, but herein lies our dilemma. What should surfers do with their valuables while surfing? Bodily orifices may be stretchy enough for, say, a car key – but good luck fitting that smartphone up there pal.
Self destructing cars – Trident says: “Hell, yeah!”
Let’s go with the classic scenario. You’ve just surfed for a couple of hours. Let’s assume the waves were fun. You get back to your car, early afternoon, mid morning – whenever – only to discover there’s a massive, car-shaped hole of nothingness exactly where you swore you last parked your vehicle. Or, perhaps more commonly – you finish up your surf, only to discover a hole through your rear driver’s side window, or the sad remains of your door’s lock lying outside like the guts of a wounded Transformer. Better security technology? A vehicle that self destructs when it doesn’t recognise the exact shape of your unique arse in the driver’s seat?
As the 4 stages of grief – denial, anger, depression and acceptance loop continuously through your mind as you search for witnesses or even the perpetrators themseleves, what do you do? Some surfers may adopt a secret identity as a vigilante and become a crime-hunting, masked shadow in the night, dispatching hardened criminals and people who park on disabled spots alike. We do after all, have the wetsuits which may double up as superhero outfits. This is the path Trident suggests we all take, but unfortunately, beating the ever-lovin’ kak out of criminals who totally deserve it is illegal. More’s the pity we say.
Nonetheless, even eschewing becoming a crimefighter, reactions to surfing crime is varied. Trident has a compadre who had a romantic tryst end rather badly. Said dude was subsequently stalked by his disgruntled ex-lady. Trident says – turn it into a win, my bru! We say: make sure this woman stalks him while he’s surfing. This in turn will lead to an unintended but constant vigil on his car and possessions. Of course, one then runs the risk of a mad-as-a-hive-of-hornets ex keying his car or stealing his phone anyway to cyber stalk. Okay, this was a kak idea. Let’s think of a better one.
So stay tuned for Part Two comin’ up.
