* Note, these surfers were the final top five prior to the Trestles event. The eventual winner, in case you’ve been living in a war bunker, is famously Teahupoo-averse Toledo.
Right. So, just like the mid-season cut, the end to the competitive year for the WSL in mediocre Californian waves provokes more controversy than the discontinuation of Peck’s fishpaste. (Ed’s note: sad face.) Nonetheless, Trident gets what the marketing okes at the WSL are trying to achieve, utterly misguided as they may be.
“The Final Event in Southern California!” “Who will be World Champion of the surfing world?!” “Thrills! Spills!” “I very excite!”
Why this format… ?
But… No. Just… a resounding, big fat NO. When Pipeline used to be the last surf event of the year and not the first, it felt like there was something actually at stake. Sure, some World Champs over the decades were crowned before the last competition. Although in the same breath, quite a few World Titles were totally undecided until the final fat hooter sang right at the bitter end of the entire series. Down to the wire ekse.
As the WSL season stands, we surf fans have an all or nothing final event at Southern California’s surf spot jewel. The top five surfers duked it out, their final ranking influencing the order of their heats and who surfs against who. Now, maybe there was a level of excitement to it, but Trident feels it’s all slightly hollow. The dude in the Gold Number 1 jersey still won in the end, and kudos to Toledo.
Anyhow, we’re not here to judge yet another particularly odd WSL decision (we’ll do that in plenty of future articles). Instead we’re here to judge the WSL 2023 Final Five Men’s Pro Surfers. So let’s have at it shall we!
The what-might-have-been Number 6: Gabriel Medina?
* Trident is including Gabe at Number 6 as Ewing’s back injury and inclusion was initially uncertain.
Gabe would have been of three Brazilians in the Final Five, and one of two previous World Title winners. Medina has actually won three titles, making him the most successful of this bunch. This oke has it all. More tattoo’s than the average nu-metal band, good looks, ridiculous talent, a slightly eyebrow-raising friendship with grotesquely overpaid football legend Neymar and an aerial acrobatics game that puts the Top Gun sequel to shame. Gabe can do waves of most size and shape so this goofy footer is always a threat. Whereas Superman’s only weakness is kryptonite and Trident’s is beer, Gabe’s only known weakness is divorce. Perhaps a bit of an arrogant prat early on in his career, his very public marriage implosion seems to have developed a newfound introspection in ol’ Gabe. Anyhow, he wasn’t included this year, so it’s kinda moot now.
The Contenders (5 – 4):
5. Jack Robinson
Robbo would’ve been the lone Ozzie in the final handful, if Ethan Ewing wasn’t more hardcore than a sword forged from the remnants of the T1000. Yes, Ewing was keen to compete despite breaking his frikkin’ back! Anyhow, back to Robinson. This particular Ozzie is steely eyed, precise and clinical to the point Trident reckons he could’ve been a surgeon in a previous life. Jack flies under the radar. For an Australian, his surfing, public profile and personality are all kinda understated. Unlike, well – basically every Brazilian surfer on tour. Which should be somehow ironic, as Jack is married to a Brazilian. Anyway, Robinson is laser-focussed, even with said wife having a laaitie on the way. Unlike a very well known South African surfer, whose family seemed to have been somewhat of a distraction from the Tour. Damn, we said it.
4. Joao Chianca
This ou was chucked off the tour last year – and yet here he is in contention for a World Title. Although his name sounds sorta like a new cultivar of banana and his constant grin makes him seem carefree as a travelling minstrel, this smiling Brazilian will smoke each and every opponent and then some. Charitable, friendly and quite possibly the next big thing in Brazilian surfing, Trident would bet on this guy for sure. Joao is happy as a clam when things are going his way – a miserable sulky git when scoring goes against him. Perhaps an unfair comment. The entire nation of Brazil becomes nasty as balls when things don’t go their way. A lot like South Africa we guess.
The Big Three (3 – 1):
3. Ethan Ewing
Ewing, based on the immense size of his balls alone, deserves some kind of medal for bravery. Seriously, Hell’s panties, this Ozzie broke his back (yes, two vertebrae in his back, not his pinky toe) yet there he is competing in the Final Five for a shot at the World Title. The very antithesis of Toledo and his very public fear of grinding, hollow lefts. Fans reckon Ethan will give Toledo a run at the smaller waves at Trestles (which he clearly did). The same two surfers went at it in this year’s J Bay Final; the final, smaller day probably worked in Pip’s favour. Make no mistake, Ewing is lethal in most conditions (two consecutive J Bay finals in very different conditions), but smaller waves aren’t really his thing. Also, it bears repeating: the man broke his back. It isn’t a let-off from not winning, what is?
2. Griffin Colapinto
The lone Yank in the Final Five, on his home turf. Griff’s talent is undeniable. He does turns on parts of the wave that bend the laws of physics and his air game suggests he had pterodactyls as ancestors. Trident has yet to see him in any heat or scenario that exposes any weakness. He’s like a regular foot Medina, although arguably he surfs at an even more furious speed. Colapinto seems to straddle the line between happy-go-lucky American surfer with a stereotypical surfer drawl and tortured poet. His social media posts are either him chuckling at some inside joke in between lightspeed surfing clips – or gloomy, nihilistic commentary on the human condition. We suspect his middle name may be Nietzsche. Trident is mildly concerned with his mental health. Go Griff.
1. Filipe Toledo.
Last year’s World Champ. Now a two time World Title Champs thanks to his stellar performance at Trestles, a wave well within his wheelhouse. Like fellow countryman Medina – Toledo has it all, including the nu metal band’s collection of tattoo’s. Just about the best air game in the business, coupled with a speed Brad Binder would envy. Nevertheless, it’s a fact and we may as well face it – Pip is kak scared of big waves. We’ve seen Toledo in action at Teahupoo. Or to be more accurate – his complete inaction at Teahupoo. Which makes Trident feel slightly better. If a 2x World Champ shudders in every heat at Teahupoo, Trident feels totally vindicated for not surfing that onshore six foot closeout with a rip like an Asian sweatshop conveyor belt in the sharkiest part of the coast.
