Let’s start off with a disclaimer, shall we? Trident has occasionally been smashed in, well – less than immense surf. It happens. Strong currents, awkward rock jumps, badly timed duck dives in shallow waters. Sometimes the surf can be relatively small and tame and you still get your bottom handed to you on a silver platter. One memorable beating involved a leash caught around a rock during a strong rip current. No fear of drowning or anything, just wrapped around the rock, unable to free the cuff like an Alabama chain gang in the 1930’s. Nevertheless, now that we’ve established the surf needn’t be too big to be difficult, let’s delve in the top five ways to deal with being donnered.
Number 1: Cry.
Social media and the modern age has de-stigmatised adult Cro-Magnon mencrying. Blah blah blah, fishpaste that is no longer manufactured. Now, Trident isn’t claiming there’s anything wrong with shedding a tear or two during moments of abject terror. Regardless of one’s gender, sexual orientation, age, race, creed, favourite celebrity, tendency to yodel, affinity for Star Trek costumes, or the fact that you have a bent over monkey tattoo around your navel, cry if it makes you feel better while being beaten senseless by whatever the ocean is throwing at you. Here’s the kicker though. Crying ain’t gonna help squat y’all. So wail a bit if you must, then turn to the other four options on this list:
Number 2: Become Aquaman.
Okay, so this one requires prepping in advance. Build up lung capacity. Carry freakin’ boulders while walking on the sea floor, Hold your breath during say, chick flicks or something equally tedious to amuse yourself. Close your mouth and pinch your nose for the painful hour it takes two people who initially dislike each other to fall inexplicably in love, then piss each other off, then move on then fall back maddeningly in love. You might actually die, but if you die while holding your breath during a romantic comedy that’s a plus in Trident’s books.
The point is, become crazy ready for Poseidon’s fury. Swim several thousand lengths in the school pool before being kicked out for not actually attending said school. Take ice baths and hold your breath (top tip: it’s far harder holding your breath in the cold). If possible, learn to breathe under water and become impervious to cold and avalanches of salt water pounding you like a chef shaping mince into a burger.
Number 3: Become all Zen.
How on earth do hippies just sail through life without a care in the world? Trident is not only curious, but genuinely envious. Although many folk claim to be hippies, the only real ones simply aren’t fazed by anything. Literally anything. Car stolen while surfing. All chill man. Crowded lineups. Peace brah. Godzilla attacking the city while it’s onshore and full of bluebottles? No stress. Being thrown about by unruly waves like Dorothy and Toto en route to Oz? Make love not war, it’s all good. Just let Mother Nature do her thing my man. You’ll be fine in the end. Unless you die. In which case, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Number 4: Avoid heavy waves at all costs in the first place.
Well. This one is easy. Just don’t surf when the waves make you feel like soiling yourself. Although as we mentioned earlier, even small surf can present certain hazards. So sack up, and just paddle out. You’ll learn some skills. Even if it’s simply how to avoid drowning. That’s a skill in itself.
Number 5: Listen to the experts.
There are plenty. Kai Lenny. Laird Hamilton. Our very own Twiggy Baker, Cass Collier and Matt Bromley. All have some invaluable advice to impart on us mere mortals when it comes to coping with gigantic surf attempting to tear you limb from limb while simultaneously trying to drown you and crush you. From the purely practical “wear an inflatable vest”, to the expensive “have some jetski staff on hand”, to the truly bizarre “try inhale those air bubbles underwater”, these big wave dab hands have a ton of wisdom and experience to help the rest of us while being pummeled by tons of seawater. After all, they’re still alive hey? So until there’s an invitational competition named after a current big wave legend, listen to what they have to say.
