Like many surfers during South Africa’s sacred December holidays, Trident views our inland cousins with a mixture of bemusement, irritation and pity. We are taught all emotional responses are valid, so there. Now, bemusement and irritation are obvious. However – the pity we feel for these poor stooges from up north is simply ‘coz they don’t live near the coast. See, Trident is nothing if not empathic. Therefore, we present something unique in Trident history. A Top Five list aimed at folks who are mostly non-surfers and almost completely surf-illiterate. Or at best; the only knowledge they have of surfing is gleaned from the two weeks spent in their holiday town of choice every Festive season. So let’s suss this surfing lark out from their point of view as they readjust to home life nowhere near the sea:
Number 1. Pick a public swimming area and chuck bits of flotsam and jetsam about.
The posher the pool, the better. Pick a hot, busy day – then proceed to throw bits of, well – anything about. Oars, paddles, runaway kayaks, surfboards, bodyboards, flippers, SUP’s, kitchen sinks, bricks, street children, bombs, bodily waste – be creative with the potentially lethal unmanned objects. ‘Coz that’s certainly how it feels in December when a rogue set wave comes through and cleans up everything in its path apart from those who actually know how to surf.
Number 2: Pick ONE single surf rule and then insist it supersedes all other rules.
There’s an old saying; the only thing worse than someone who knows nothing about a subject is someone who knows just a little bit. Therefore, when back home in Waterkloof or Fourways, explain to your no doubt rapt friends how surfing has only one rule. Which is the famous… Don’t drop in on someone. However, don’t mention the exasperated-looking gentleman in the lovely Garden Route town who admonished you for paddling on the inside, paddling around everyone, not waiting your turn, almost drowning, losing your board and being in the lineup on an SUP.
Number 3: Look the part.
Don’t know a cutback from a cuttlefish? Think a fullsuit is spelled foolsuit and is worn by Pennywise from It? Think a 5 fin system is something kinky you did with 4 other people while blitzed this New Year’s in St Francis? No worries. You bought a whole bunch of surf gear and surf labelled clothing while on holiday, possible single-handedly reviving your small town of choice’s economy. You’ll shortly look authentic as hell cruising down William Nicol Drive in your old school combi, dressed to the nine’s in Billabong with your brand new Al Merrick fish sticking out the passenger window.
Number 4: Somersault into the nearest pool while blindfolded, with knives and weights tied loosely to various parts of your body.
Simple. This is to emulate the first time you tried to duck dive.
Number 5: At the next Bulls match, wear a Stormers jersey.
Although this should be done in perpetuity, this is a classic reverse scenario of what most likely transpired while you were surfing. A bunch of glassy-eyed, tanned bohemians with scruffy hair hurling insults at you, and saying stuff like “go back to Pretoria” or “locals only”. Sure, the insults might be harsher at Loftus when wearing a rival team’s colours; abuse such as “I’m gonna **** you” etc, but the warm feeling of nostalgia you’ll have after being abused by grumpy, barely-conscious men will remind you of surfing during your two week coastal break.
(Ed’s note: Don’t forget dear readers, Trident is no doos. We kid because we love our inland visitors. We all started off clueless after all.)
