Localism. The moment you enter the water at any surf sport worldwide, you’ll find yourself drawn into the melodrama that is the surf lineup. It doesn’t matter how seemingly mellow long time locals can be at a certain break – or indeed, how heavy others can be. Localism is as much part of surf culture as cars with sliding side doors, surf wax and chafed nipples. Perhaps you consider yourself a hardcore local. Either way, these five tips will also apply when dealing with interlopers at your own break, or when you are surfing a new spot where you are clearly not the local. As always, Trident cannot be held legally responsible for any literal interpretation of the following:
Number 1: Eliminate the competition.
Do whatever you need to do. Ensure there’s a healthy supply of E. coli in the water. Snipe surfers in the lineup from the nearest high rise building. In other words, you’ll be the best surfer in the water for sure if you’re the only surfer in the water.
Number 2: Become seriously intimidating.
No. We don’t just mean paddle out with a permanent scowl. That’s what every South African surfer does after arriving at the beach, after dealing with dead traffic lights during load shedding and bouts of stomach distress due to poor water quality (see the above point). No. We mean, like, get your front teeth removed and get some facial prison tattoos. (No, not like Post Malone’s, we mean those really crappy homemade tattoo jobs done with steak knives and toilet disinfectant for ink.)
Anyway, if you can’t commit to facial tat’s, start taking ‘roids. Become so jacked you can’t wipe your own bum without a selfie stick let alone paddle up to a local to challenge them to a MMA beach brawl. Otherwise, perhaps insinuate you’re some kind of feared terrorist, with plastic explosive stashed in your wax sack. Or hint you’re a serial killer by offering the locals a peek at the surf fins you’ve crafted from the shoulder bones of people who have “upset you”. Whatever. Just looking scary as hell can go a long way, even if you actually have the temperament of a tranquilised panda bear.
Number 3: Bribe the locals.
A different, more subtle approach, but effective as can be if done correctly. However, there is the issue of having a ready supply of whatever it’ll take to keep the locals at bay. Money is for instance the great leveller, and if you have lots of it – every local will have their price. Find the heaviest dude in the parking lot, and pay them whatever it takes to keep him and/or his pack away. Perhaps it’s bribes of another kind they may require, but this article has gotten dark quickly – even by Trident standards, so we’ll leave you to imagine other sorts of bribes on your own then.
Number 4: Make surfing an unpleasant experience for the locals.
A little gross and gory chum goes a long way, wherever you may find yourself in the world. Granted, chucking buckets of blood, guts and dead fish into a chlorinated inland wavepool may not actually attract sharks, but it sure as hell won’t rank as delightful to most surfers. Alternatively, patrol the lineup with a speargun. Or an actual gun. Blast “Gangnam Style” from the beach from giant speakers. Put up signs around the keyhole saying stuff like “surf spot closed due to load shedding”, or round up all the vagrants you can to use the beach as a public restroom. Just make the entire surfing experience so unpleasant, nobody in your immediate vicinity will ever be keen to do it.
Number 5: Be ridiculously friendly.
Well, if this actually works at all – please let us know. Possibly after you regain consciousness in the hospital after merely politely greeting and smiling at the most hardcore oke in the lineup.
