There are many comments fellow surfers in the lineup would totally welcome. “Dude, seriously sick barrel on that last wave.” “You absolutely threw buckets on that last turn bud.” “You can have this wave my brah, I’ve just had one.” On the other hand, statements like, “do you wanna come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy”, uttered in a gravelly voice by a ball-gag wearing ogre next to you should obviously be viewed with suspicion. Yet, not all negative things fellow surfers say are as blatantly unwelcome. Therefore, Trident provides you with a helpful list of subtle but still rather annoying things you should say only with caution to other surfers.
Number 1: “J Bay must be firing hey!”
Well, yes. However, if you’re not already on your way to the blessed right hand point, turning right at the stop street off the N2 in front of the sticker emblazoned road sign – this is a pointless comment. No doubt J Bay (or any other one of our famed spots around countrywide) may currently be better than your local, but perhaps it isn’t. No spot is perfect year round you know. Also, we can’t all just drop whatever we’re doing, whether it’s work, home life, or even surfing wherever we currently find ourselves in the country to head to J Bay. Sure it’s nice to go there as often as one can, but it’s not always advisable or practical to do so. Trident has spoken.
Number 2: “Psst. Hey bru. Where exactly is that one secret spot I heard you tuning your mate that works with this wind/swell/etc?”
Oh my goodness. This is the kind of question to which the only reasonable response is to feign deafness. Or simply respond physically, ie: with a headbutt. The whole point of secret spots is to remain, well, secret. Duh. Sure, said spots are often either difficult or impractical to surf (or even to get to), but often they’re not especially good in the first place. At the very least – they’re fickle as hell (or they’d be well knownto all.) Nonetheless, these secret spots are generally uncrowded. Thus, if a spot where everyone knows each other and six surfers count as a crowd, a sudden invasion of frothing strangers to the wave will erupt in flash violence the likes the world hasn’t seen since World War 2.
Number 3: The sales pitch.
Do you enjoy receiving phone calls from droning imbeciles incapable of pronouncing your name properly whilst attempting to sell insurance or offer you a loan at 40%? No? Didn’t think so. Then why on earth would anybody be keen to hear any attempt at sales in the surf lineup, your place of zen and leisure? Sure, surf networking can be as beneficial as a golf course or a lunch club for work, but that generally develops over the course of a friendship. Not from some smiling moron hogging all the waves while trying to convince you to invest in his brilliant pyramid scheme (ahem, sorry) “awesome business concept”.
Number 4: The unsolicited surf coaching advice.
Make no mistake, constructive criticism from one’s peers is something we should all encourage in surfing. However, unasked for and unwelcome advice received from another surfer to “improve your surfing” should be viewed with suspicion at best. At worst – with naked contempt. Why? Simple. Unless you asked for some advice, someone else’s opinion shouldn’t matter too much. Still, take note – even unsolicited advice may help you get better. Even if it comes from someone splashing around on a foamie, with their wetsuit on backwards. They may be a inferior surfer than you – but they view you with an outsider’s objectivity. They could just have a point. Maybe. We dunno.
Number 5: The unsolicited surf equipment advice.
As per the above, try and treat the advice from whence it comes. A decent surfer, indeed, even a surfer whose ability lacks may just have a point once in a while. But some of it is just utter donkey dung. Even if you’re 5’3 in heels and barely weigh 70kg’s, ignore any advice from anyone with more than 20 kg’s on you. You do NOT need a surfboard with more than 50 litres of volume, no matter how much it will “improve your paddling”. Do not even dignify such utter nonsense with anything but “no, bru – you’re just a manatee, rather you lose weight and drop 10 litres on YOUR board – it improve your paddling.”
