“Die Oom” likes to think of himself as somewhat immaterialistic. (Ed’s note: is that a word? Damned if I know, but we’ll let it slide as it illustrates the point beautifully.) Flashy BMWs and collectors’ watches just don’t do it for me (full disclosure “Die Oom” besit nogsteeds net een Casio horlosie). But every once in a while, I feel the need for some retail therapy and nothing scratches the itch more than buying a new board (or ordering a custom one for that matter).
I’ll never grow tired of surfboards. There’s just something about them. Each one is unique. And as I obsess over them, I continue to pick up small subtitles between the various shapers. Currently, fin positioning is my latest obsession.
It’s always a proud moment collecting your board from the shaping bay. The smell of resin, the light white dust (definitely not cocaine, so think again, Amber Heard), the renaissance inspired graphics… It’s sorta like a parent going to the hospital to welcome their newborn into the world. Actually… perhaps it’s a million times better, surfboards don’t turn your wife into a bad tempered she-bison over time. Kids on the other hand… well… Yeah…
However, to “Die Oom’s” dismay, sometimes the proverbial cake flops and the baker is to blame.
With that said, here are five red flags to look out for when ordering a new board from a shaper:
“Jimi Hendrix” by rkempjr is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
Number 1: The shaper believes that civilization peaked in the 60s.
Jissus. We all have come across this character. Yes dude, we get it. Jimmy Hendrix and Bob Dylan were grand, but for Poseidon’s sakes, let the lyrics of “The Times they are a Changing” please sink into your thick skull. This shaper will be incredibly difficult to work with. Stoned, goofed, living on another planet and most likely suffering from schizophrenia, these guys are the flakes. You’ll go to them to order a board and subsequently be forced to listen to their quasi-religious LSD laced quackery. Trying to convince them that they need to go see a shrink is also pointless. Avoid. At all costs. Hell, give them money just so they can go away.
Number 2: The fly by night.
You know how your dad said he was only going out for a pack of cigarettes, only to never return. (Ed’s note: Jeez dude, my pah will come back. Eventually.). Ja, this guy is the same. He’ll have a couple of “solid references”, all of whom are all inside men, in on the con which will edify his persona and reputability. To make it all seem legit, ya know? Well well well my dear friend. The said conman will seemingly disappear as soon as you make that initial deposit. Like a cheap magic trick, he’s gone. What a doos. Says he lives in Mossel Bay, but could be Mogadishu, Moscow, Montana or Montenegro for all you know. Don’t bother trying to track them down either unless you’re Magnum or Hercule Pirot. (Ed’s note: These references are old. Author’s note: So are you. Ed’s note: Ouch.)
Number 3: The Shaper who needs to take his Ritalin.
Your excitement is frothing over. You’ve placed your order with this bloke after spending hours, days, months figuring out exactly what you want him to make you for this specific break that you’ve been surfing. Only for this wanker to get your order wrong. This guy deserves a kick in the groin.
“Winter Outhouse” by Knowles Gallery is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
Number 4: The backyard Shaper.
Now look, there are SOME legit backyard shapers. But the feral ones living in a mouldy wooden house in the outskirts of the Knysna forest… I dunno. Approach with caution. You’ll order a board from them and come back with something resembling a canoe (or worse – an SUP).
Number 5: Any Shaper with A Goatee.
Goatees are gross and make you look like a follower of Scientology. Shave the flavour savour. For heaven’s sakes.
