Just as a new romantic partner, a new job, a strange part of town, a new country or a new foodstuff can potentially expose itself as hazardous early on (Ed’s note: example: eating anything with a skull and crossbones logo is ill advised), so too can a surf spot. Trident is nothing if not humanitarian, so allow us to save you, dear reader – from any potential pain, loss of limb, life or sanity by presenting some serious red flags at a surf spot before you even paddle out.
Number 1: Its name.
Fun fact: both Pipeline in Hawaii and the Pipe in PE/GQ are NOT named after the shapely, groomed look of their respective barrelling waves (Ed’s note: Pipe PE?! Pfffft!) Rather, both surf spots were christened after concrete pipelines in the vicinity. In PE’s case, said pipe literally points to the actual wave. Seems pretty innocent right? Well, the pipe in question is actually a storm drain, and can overflow with sewage and other assorted rubbish, not to mention dead animals. Possibly even deceased sewer-dwelling hobo’s. Then you have waves with names like Teahupoo. This is a Polynesian word which roughly translates as “pile of heads” or “heap of heads”. I mean – come on. That hardly sounds user friendly. Nobody in their right mind would name a wave something like Jaws, Deadman’s, or Boneyards, or Cyclops if it were a logger’s paradise. So if a wave like Teahupoo, which resembles the entire Pacific Ocean folding over on itself didn’t already make you dribble just a little pee, its name certainly should.
Number 2: There are hazardous rocks near or in the take-off zone that ALSO have names.
Seriously, if an oversized rock has its own name at a surf spot, you gotta question why. It is not some weird measure of affection. Even non-surfing, famous rocks have names; Ayers Rock, the Rock of Gibraltar, That Bloody Rock by the garden wall where I once broke a Toe. No, a rock with its own name at a surf spot alludes to the fact said block of stone has claimed enough boards, teeth, bodies and in some cases – lives – to the point it itself has become infamous. Sure, names such as Peanut and Full Stop sound fairly innocuous, but if you blow your take off or misjudge where you are on the wave – say goodbye to your dental work pal.
Number 3: There are memorial wreaths hanging everywhere in the vicinity. Literally.
Well, let’s be obvious now – clearly folk have died around here. Wonderful. However, perhaps the deaths which occurred in the area are not necessarily because of the dangerous waves. Instead, perhaps the region is a hotbed of serious crime – or a nasty traffic accident zone. Perhaps serious rock slides have occurred there, or maybe devastating bush fires. Maybe giant meteorites have bombarded the place in the past – or perhaps it’s a suicide hotspot. Maybe cultists killed themselves there in a UFO death pact. Bottom line is, innocents have died in the vicinity of the wave. But, back to point Number 1: if the place has an exotic name like “pile of heads”, just assume people have died there coz of the cataclysmic waves.
Number 4: The wave no longer exists.
Well, duh. Bruce’s in St Francis Bay. Sublime peeling walls of water. Barrels. Waves that you could ride for so long, your thighs turned to the jelly in Granny’s trifle. All in a beautiful part of the world. And of course, so often is the case with beautiful parts of the world, greedy developers take over. It’s kinda ironic how a town that cemented its place on the map because of surfing – helped to ruin its most famous surf spot because of over development. Houses on the dunes meant no more sand flowing to the bottom of the wave. So nowadays Bruce’s breaking perfectly happens about as often as Christmas. (Sometimes only on Christmas.)
Number 5: The wave presents less obvious (yet no less disturbing) hazards when compared to sharks, rocks, locals etc.
The wave is located in or next to popular, mainstream beaches where there are a higher number of surf schools than the average IQ. Watch out also for tons of plastic rubbish, chicken bones and overweight, blimp-like bathers who evidently don’t understand the concept of swimming flags. Perhaps the wave is located near a popular drinking hole, where the sight of you getting tubed off your mielie is enough to make a drunk yet fully-clothed patron swim out to join you. Then get washed to Namibia from the rip. Speaking of other countries, maybe the spot is situated in a country with zero infrastructure to actually get there to surf it – or it’s located in a hostile zone where you need to worry more about landmines and AK-47 wielding child soldiers than sharks. Or maybe the wave is located in a nudist beach notorious for alternative lifestyle hook-ups.
