Back in the Dark Ages, when phones were clunky things consisting of mini Slinky springs, tripods, frisbees (the rotary dials) and cameras were either fancy-ass reflex things with manual shutter speed and unfathomable aperture settings, or simple muk-en-druk jobs, surf photography was reserved for pro’s only. And by pro’s we mean both pro photographers and pro surfers. Sure, occasionally Pa would take a blurry photo or video clip of his 11-year laaitie poo-manning it through a crisp whitewater section, but for most surfers say – pre-2000, we never saw what we looked like actually surfing a wave. Two things changed. Digital cameras and cellphone cameras. But we’re not writing this as a history lesson. Indeed this Top Five article was inspired by the previous one right here, all about how frustrating surfing can be. So let’s get into how seeing photos of yourself surfing can often inspire fear, dread, anxiety and the uncontrollable urge to take up bowls instead.
Number 1: The surfer’s expression.
The wave looks pretty as can be. Not a drop of water out of place. The lighting, the position of the sun, the composition of the photo itself – stunning. Indeed – even the surfer’s manouvere looks sublime on camera. However, zoom in just that little bit – which we couldn’t do in the 90’s without a magnifying glass. And there you have it fam. The look on the oke’s face. Their expression could be as if they just walked in on their mother in law on the toilet. Or indeed, like they were on the toilet themselves after a hard night of bourbon and curry. Or perhaps an expression more akin as to what would happen if one accidentally nicked one’s own genitals with a 1970’s style electric carving knife. (Don’t ask why that could happen #manscapinggonewrong.)
Number 2: Bulges in all the wrong places.
When it comes to being bedecked in a wetsuit and surfing, one wants certain bulges. If you’re a dude – the biceps, the shoulders, the pecs – and some padding around the groin ain’t gonna hurt. The same applies to the ladies, but in different areas on the body. However… Even amongst the fittest of us, snap a photo at the exact second a surfer is projecting up or down the wave face and/or at a very side-on angle – voila! There’s a gut resembling an overstuffed fanny pack underneath one’s wetsuit. (Author’s note: Don’t feel too bad, Trident has noticed even the most svelte pro’s can suffer this particular indignity in surf shots. Coughs, Jordy.)
Number 3: The photo was captured pre- or post- turn.
You know you had a good session. As for the waves? You’ve had better in your life, but today’s session was really right up there. You had some absolute smokers. And you surfed them as well as you could. You even landed one of your rare airs! And you got at least five barrels, exiting all but one of them. The cherry on the cake? You saw your mate on the beach taking snaps for the best part of your session. You swing him a few bucks to e-mail any shots of you through, and you wait in breathless anticipation of the air and/or barrel shot you’re gonna blow up to A2 size and print on canvas for your living room. Only… The barrel shot is the one you got shut down in, and all you can see is a phantom riderless board and a leg sticking out of the water. The air shot? You’re clearly trying to launch, but it’s an awkward moment. Your mate snapped you just before the air, eternally capturing the moment your gut bulges while trying to project and your facial expression resembles someone being tortured during the Spanish Inquisition. See Number One and Two above.
Number 4: The conditions were pretty lame to be fair.
Oh dear. One of surfing’s most prominent negatives. Let’s set the scene. You’ve either pre-paid a dude to take some shots or you’ve pleaded, nay – begged for a free photo shoot. Perhaps even some video clips. Now, neither you nor the hapless photographer do it full time, so a date had to be picked in advance. A Saturday would work for both of you, and the charts looked alright for the day. Until of course the day arrives – and the waves look about as enticing as the contents of an open sewer. Oh well, you’re both at the beach already – you may as well surf and get some photos. Even if they end up looking like evidence from a crime scene photo shoot.
Number 5: You’re just a bad surfer.
Well this is just easy. Whatever unflattering photos and video clips are the end result of a session, if you’re being honest with yourself it could be simply ‘coz you’re a kak surfer. However, you can learn from said photo’s and clips of yourself looking like microwaved garbage. Use them as motivation to improve. Be tough on yourself. Surf better and better. Compare yourself to what you see the pro’s do in photos and vids. If that doesn’t work? Simply give up trying to advance your surfing and kidnap your photographer. Threaten them with death or dismemberment if they don’t Photoshop you to look like Fanning or Medina.
It’s not like Trident doesn’t present you folks with useful info, hey?
