Our country is a lawless place. And we as surfers have a dilemma every time we suit up before hitting the sea – finding a safe and secure place for your car keys. With the advent of electronic car keys, stashing them in your wetsuit is nigh on impossible, and many surfers don’t trust keylocks. I doubt this is as big a problem elsewhere in the world. Where do surfers in the first world stash their keys? Trident has visions of surfers driving up to a beachbreak in San Diego, to be greeted by smiling valets in bow ties who solemnly take the surfer’s car keys under sacred oath and return the vehicle later, all freshly washed and with a complimentary fruit basket. In South Africa it’s slightly different of course. Trident reckons the best place to put your car key is in the eye socket of a would-be thief, but that’s not always practical. So let’s consider other places to hide your key, such as:
Number 1: The sand
Sure, this is obvious – many surfers already bury their keys at the beach, hoping nobody will notice where they’ve dug. However, instead of trying to be subtle about it – consider erecting a gravestone to mark your key’s burial, or perhaps place it in a ceremonial urn. You should even make a big song and dance of it, thereby establishing what it is you’re actually doing is burying the ashes of a loved one, rather than just cunningly hiding your key. You could even have someone say a few words, and have people gather sadly around the burial site, looking miserable, sobbing and shouting a distraught “why?!” at the sky.
Number 2: On the collar of a rabid pit bull
The only real problem here is being unable to retrieve your car key later. Or, putting it on the dog’s collar in the first place. Hmm. This idea needs work. Still, if you’re somehow able to get it on the dog’s collar, this is pretty much first prize security wise.
Number 3: In a huge hunk of raw meat, kept afloat by a couple of buoys
Also, if there’s a handy carcass of a beached whale nearby, be sure to stash your keys somewhere in its rib cage, assuming you don’t puke first. Nevertheless, whether it’s a chunk of raw bloody meat in the lineup or a dead whale, thieves are unlikely to come anywhere near this particular hiding place. Of course, nobody else will either, as no surfer will paddle out in a lineup covered in congealed blood and bits of flesh. So, although nobody will take your key, neither you nor anyone else will actually be surfing in the first place.
Number 4: In a large metal canister marked “Danger: Radioactive”
Admittedly, said canisters are not easy to find. But the moment you discover a discarded one, hang onto it for dear life. Hiding your key in this device is just about foolproof for deterring thieves. Trident can’t guarantee you’ll still have a face after this glowing green canister has been in your possession for a while, but that’s besides the point.
Number 5: In a book
Would-be car thieves are unlikely to be the scholarly types. In fact, most criminals have the intellect of amoeba and the chances of them being interested in stealing a book are very small indeed. Trident recommends a book of a size large enough to hollow out a compartment for a car key, with a cover bearing something like the terribly dull title of “The Joys of Tax accountancy.” Sure, it’s possible there’s an outlaw gang of deranged bookkeepers out there looking for their next reading fix, but that’s the risk we take as surfers.
