Unless you’re still at school or a student, the summer holidays are all but a distant, hopefully vaguely pleasant memory. If you’re unemployed however, well – you still have some time off before you starve to death so enjoy it for now (and good luck with that job hunting in 2023). Anyhow, one of the most clichéd aspects of the end of year holidays is everyone’s attempt to improve themselves by committing to a set of resolutions for the upcoming new year. Generally it’s harmless but obvious; most people aim to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more, work less yet somehow simultaneously make more money, cut down on the booze – or ciggies – or thinners-sniffing, commit to fewer (or more) blood sacrifice rituals – you know; those old chestnuts. Of course, surfers aren’t exempt from these so-called resolutions. However, we have a few that are no doubt unique to us as a wave-riding species. Such as:
Number 1: Treat every new face in the water like a long-lost brother or sister (or “other” #woke).
Summer holidays bring summer crowds, of which contains a significant percentage of complete newbies to surfing. Most regulars (whether sixteen or sixty-two) react by acting the grumpy old curmudgeon, complaining loudly to anyone within earshot of beginners and their utter ignorance of the rules, whilst watching bloodshed and carnage in the water as surfboards fly into heads, shins and genitals. You, esteemed reader, have been reading so far so we assume you’re just like Trident – suspicious of every new face in the lineup until you recognise them after a decade or so in the water. So, let’s change that, shall we? Even if the new person next to you in the water looks like an escapee from a primate lab and is sitting on a dinged-up NSP, treat them like a long lost and beloved relative. Smile and pat them on the back with an enthusiastic “howzit!” Ask them their life story. Listen intently. Cry when appropriate. Most importantly though, no matter how utterly useless they may be – not to mention how kinda dangerous their lack of knowledge is – treat them like one of the family.
Number 2: Ensure you always have your own steady supply of wax and sunblock.
Take a leaf from Trident’s book. We always have extra of each. Therefore, every disorganised mooching twit in the parking lot insists on asking to borrow ours. Seriously, for the love of Gerry Lopez, people – you’re going to the beach to surf. Surfing requires surf wax, and being in the sun requires sunscreen. It really shouldn’t be that difficult for a mature adult to figure out. So for Poseidon’s sake, bring your own dammit or Trident will ensure a personal new year’s resolution comes to pass – we will throat punch anyone who asks us for said items.
Number 3: Be nicer in general in the lineup.
This doesn’t actually apply to Trident as we’re already nicer than your Granny who runs the local free animal shelter. Even when you constantly ask for wax or sunblock.
Number 4: Appreciate the fact surfing isn’t just about shredding but also about being surrounded by nature.
“Jis bru. I was like, totally surrounded by a huge pod of dolphins just now. It felt like, I was like, being absorbed into nature, you know what I mean? We surfers must really learn to appreciate our natural environment more. It’s not like being on a golf course, or a football field or a squash court. We’re in the wilderness. We’re part of nature man. Surfing is really special and spiritual. Hey you ****in’ kook! Don’t you dare try to snake me, I’ll klap you for a six with your own mid-length like it’s a five day test my bru!”
Number 5: Stretch more, lose weight, exercise more when not surfing, eat better, jol less.
Well, this kind of resolution ain’t exactly unique to surfing, and that’s exactly the point. This is the most generic kind of resolution most folk make, yet as surfers we should be more invested in sticking to it. After all, being healthy out of the water ensures greater longevity, and especially in the water. Trident reckons we’ll see some surfers try pretty hard over the next few weeks. But once the working year starts properly? Okes will convince themselves there’s no time to stretch or exercise, and life’s too short to eat kale daily. As for the first true bout of work related stress? Hand me that bottle of tequila ekse.
