Well, the Holiday Season – or the Silly Season to give the shutdown period its more accurate nickname – is done and dusted. Those lazy days of doing very little when not surfing, entertaining or travelling are over until next year. Trident sincerely hopes our readers all enjoyed the time off, and didn’t develop a crippling addiction to sherry and/or a paunch the size of a swiss ball. At the very least, Trident hopes you survived the holidays with all your limbs, sanity and possessions more or less intact. Anyhow, after the fact of Christmas, it became glaringly obvious to us that Santa missed one or two opportunities. Opportunities to gift us some items that would make surfing far undoubtedly make surfing far better in the future. So, here’s a list of said such items:
Number 1: An airhorn.
Well, this item is not only easy to obtain, but an airhorn is currently totally overlooked in a lineup. Sure, these sirens we all know from surfing in and/or watching competitions, but why has nobody thought to bring one into a crowded lineup? Some dude starts paddling on your inside? BLARP! Some oke starts paddling for the very first wave he sees after just paddling into the lineup? BLARP! Some ou in the lineup wants to berate you for using your airhorn so willy-nilly and liberally? BLARP! Seriously Santa, the airhorn as a present is not so hard. Indeed; we’ll be buying one for ourselves very soon, so thanks for nothing anyway.
Number 2: A deadly robot car guard.
Photo by Somchai Kongkamsri: https://www.pexels.com/photo/red-and-black-robot-statue-185725/
Trident has tried patiently to deal with actual human car guards. But when car guards expect tips from surfers for valiantly sitting on their arses and smoking tik, one really does need to objectively look at this particular weird South African social paradigm. Do car guards really actually do anything to deserve any payment at all? At best, nobody in their right mind should realistically put their life on the line for a vehicle. It doesn’t matter whether said vehicle is your own, or a mate’s, or in the case of car guards – a stranger’s car. All in the vague hope of a five buck, maybe a ten buck tip. Then there’s always the possibility your friendly neighborhood toothless tikhead car guard is actually part of the car theft/break-in syndicate. Enter: the emotionless, deadly Car Guard 1000. Solar panels on its broad back for continuous charging. Load shedding independent. Flame thrower and power hammer equipped. Laser eyes to detect even the slightest movement that may suggest an attempted car break-in. Built-in digital safe to safely store one’s car keys while frolicking about in the waves. Seriously Santa (or Elon Musk), make this happen in 2024.
Bonus tech: Developing a car capable of transforming into its own robotic car guard once you hit the beach. Like a vicious Bumblebee.
Number 3: A pet Orca.
Photo by Holger Wulschlaeger: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-three-jumping-killer-whale-in-the-water-5045962/
Trident is all about respecting nature as much as possible. Indeed, unlike many of our compatriot surfers, Trident is quite aware we are invading the wilderness every time we enter any sea. Unless it’s a wavepool *, the sea belongs to starfish, anemones, fish, cephalopods, crustaceans, jellyfish, bluebottles, and yes – sharks. Shudder. Just ‘cause we respect them, doesn’t mean we haven’t nearly soiled our 3/2 any time a dark shadow passes near us on a cloudless sky. Do we cull sharks? After we deplete their food sources? Do we use shark nets? Do we bait them out to sea with hunks of flesh, a costly and ultimately pointless exercise?
Sharks do what sharks do. So, instead of using unnatural means to combat natural instinct – we could’ve done with a pet Orca underneath the Christmas tree. You see, Great Whites, and for that matter – just about everything else in the ocean – are seriously kak scared of Orcas. They don’t call them Killer Whales for nothing. Having your own pet Orca patrolling alongside you as you try to find some elusive beach break barrels would make surfing almost as safe as say, badminton. (Apart from the currents, big waves, shallow reefs, other surfers etc.) Orcas specifically target the livers of Great Whites, like a finned, black and white Hannibal Lecter. If that doesn’t terrify you, nothing would.
Number 4: *Speaking of wavepools… A Garden Wavepool.
Photo courtesy of William Veitch.
Look, we’re not asking for an artificial wave that maxes out at up to 10 foot. Very few of us have the space for that. But a little 2-3 foot A frame? Even the smallest yard should have space for that. Something to practice on. Surely even body corporates of complexes would get on board with Garden Wavepools, maybe with enough space for a 4-6 foot wave? And instead of a new soccer stadium donated by corporates to disadvantaged areas, why not mix it up with a sick new Wavepool? Of course, we all would need a stable and efficient power grid to run it all, but one thing at a time.
Number 5: New surfboards and wetsuits.
Come on Santa. These items are a lot easier than robot car guards and pet Orcas. So where the hell is my custom twinnie and a new steamer, you portly, white-bearded miser?
