The poo stance has become something of an urban myth in surf culture. This fabled stance is insanely ugly and unwieldy, but you won’t see it terribly often these days as surfers have generally become more self aware and self critical. Nonetheless, Poo-Man’s aesthetics are still worth mentioning; knees wide apart in opposing directions, an awkward crouch often accompanied by a grotesque facial grimace, all with all the poise of a discarded truck tyre. All of these aspects add up to a surfer resembling someone with a terminal case of constipation. Hence, the name: the notorious Poo-Man style, scourge of surfers of every age and skill level. Now, there are dozens if not hundreds, indeed – possibly thousands of bad stances out there. In fact, there are many bad stances you’d wonder why they weren’t similarly blessed with an infamous moniker. Trident as always, has faithfully remedied that, with this particular list of Top Five bad surf styles that make the Poo-Man stance look like Tom Curren. Here goes:
Number 1: The Whirlwind.
Good golly. The waves could be kinda mellow, or intense, or somewhere in between. It wouldn’t matter in the slightest to the Whirlwind. Unlike most decent surfers who adjust their surfing to suit the waves on offer, this pillock imposes their style on the waves. No matter the conditions. Two foot and slow? Who cares, this guy will surf with every body part moving in every possible direction at the same time, often in conflicting directions while their head moves independently as if possessed. Six foot and fast and heavy? Who cares, this guy will surf with every body part moving in every possible direction at the same time, often in conflicting directions while their head moves independently as if possessed. The arms shake violently as if in a service delivery protest. The head moves against the direction of the wave, like a runaway cannonball on a halfpipe. The Whirlwind’s waist, hips and legs all twitch and twist spasmodically. To even the untrained eye, this guy’s surf style resembles someone getting electrocuted while dancing at a three night rave. This restless surfer doesn’t need a surf coach, they need an exorcist.
Number 2: The Seattle Space needle. (Or, the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building, or that super-tall thingy in Abu Dhabi or the UAE or somewhere around there.)
Or the Obelisk, the Monolith, etc. Anything unyielding, upright and blocklike in other words. Just not statuesque though, as that implies a surf style with the linear grace and beauty of, well, a statue. Anyhow, you know exactly what Trident is driving at here. This style is in direct contrast to the Whirlwind. This surfer is seemingly incapable of any movement whatsoever once up and riding their surfboard. Unyielding, upright and blocklike indeed. As if their spine was made of concrete pylons, or they have the world’s most inflexible stick concealed up their tradesmen’s entrance. Sure, there are worse surf styles, but this one is just weird. It’s like seeing an upright coffin surfing a wave.
Number 3: The Windmill.
This is an unholy combination of Number 1 and Number 2. Very simply put; this surfer’s body is utterly still, but the arms swing like the propellers of a World War I era biplane. Not pretty at all to witness (and we all get our arms outta position occasionally) but by Jupiter this oke looks ridiculous. More akin to those cheap kak plastic windmills we used to get as kids, rather than the venerable windmills at the J bay wind farm.
Number 4: The Zombie.
As the name indicates, this surfer looks half dead. Facial expression? Lacklustre, mouth pulled into a wobbly O-shape as if permanently moaning and groaning. Body is hunched over, moving slightly, but without any real will or enjoyment. Basically these guy surf as if they’ve been reanimated from the dead and the only thing they really care about is eating the brains of the living.
Number 5: The Mandrill.
For those not especially well versed in the wonders of the animal kingdom, a Mandrill is a species of large Old World baboon. Now, this may be Trident’s Top 5 – but here’s some science for you, so we’re tagging Surf Science. Anyway, the Mandrill. This ape is quite terrifying, with its glowing yellow eyes, red nose and blue cheeks looking something like a cross between Pennywise and an Orc. What in the Sam Hill does this have to do with a surfing style you may ask? Well, like many baboon species, the male Mandrill attracts females by displaying its bulbous, bright-coloured butt. The more bulbous and bright its backside, the more likely it is to attract mates. Potentially large numbers of would-be mates. Which brings us to the Mandrill surf style. This surfer may be pretty good in other aspects or surf skills, but has an unfortunate tendency to stick their arse out all the time. IE: it looks like they’re trying to entice a female baboon to mate with. Not a good look, and we daresay, a ravening horde of female baboons chasing after you would scare the socks of any sane surfer.
