No, we’re not listening to you. Yes we know surf wax can be used to temporarily fix dings in surfboards (temporarily Graham – it’s been a year since you stuffed Mrs Palmers into the nose of your surfboard bru– just get it fixed properly already.) Also, it makes for handy ear sealants, blah blah blah. No team, we’re talking about less obvious – but no less important and efficient – uses for surf wax beyond traction for your surfboard.
Number 1: Writing implement.
This tends to be one of the most common uses for surf wax apart from its actual intended use. Drop in on someone? Paddle around someone? Not a local at the spot you’ve just surfed? Smiled too much in the water? If you’re lucky, expect to get back to your car with a sentence like “Go home kook” scribbled across your windshield in very-difficult-to-remove Dr Zogs. If you’re unlucky, expect to find a choice Afrikaans four letter word scrawled across your windshield PLUS your tyres have been slashed. No amount of surf wax will fix that, believe me.
Number 2: Sculpture.
Madame Tussaud’s. For all we know, all those statues of historical figures, rocks stars, actors and er, famous gamers are actually made of recycled surf wax. No doubt there are a few surfers out there whose artistic talent may very well resemble the skills of Michelangelo or Da Vinci. But for the rest of us; when we’re saddled with an old piece of surf wax – we just chuck it away. Note: surf wax is KAK for the environment, so why not use it to try your hand at some three dimensional art? You never know, you may be quite good at sculpting from old surf wax. Although to be fair, Trident is expecting very few miniature statues of David and many more sculptures of genitals. Or poop.
Number 3: Wounds.
Sure. Stoppering up dings in surfboards is obvious. As we already said, way too obvious to include in this Top Five list. However, go one step further. Next time you, or a mate – or a stranger for that matter – end up with a massive hole in your shin, or back or – Neptune forbid – your head; simply block it up with some good old surf wax. Pro tip – DO NOT use old wax. Use the fresh wax you were planning on saving to rewax your board. This may sound like a joke, but wax clogging up wounds actually works. Plus, you have the additional bonus of a massive, seeping gaping wound smelling like coconuts.
Number 4: Weaponised wax.
Granted, this one is a bit of a stretch. But dunno about you folks, but we at Trident have seen countless gangster and/or prison movies/series where the good (or bad guys) fill a sock or similar with old coins, ball bearings and the like. Or, soap. That last one was especially notable in Full Metal Jacket. So, if an innocuous cleansing tool for personal hygiene can be used so effectively to inflict devastating pain – why not a harmless hockey puck of surf wax? Of course, the question does beg to be asked – why use it as a weapon in the first place. Well, we argue for self defence – but beyond that – any assault charges are on you. Yes, that means you, Aggro Adele.
Number 5: Stress ball.
You know those silly little foam balls with painted smiles on them, roughly the size of a tennis ball? People pay good money for those things, ostensibly to squeeze and fiddle with it to help alleviate stress. Well, as it’s generally illegal to punch the person causing you the stress in the first place in the throat, we may as well subscribe to the concept. But, why not use an old blob of wax to squeeze and fondle? When you are stressed coz all the little groms keep inside paddling you? Granted, the stress we surfers receive from the sport we love (and which is supposed to de-stress us in the first place) would give us the strength to squeeze solid steel ball bearings, but there’s another use for surf wax for ya.
