Sharks. Gigantic waves. Rip currents. Shallow reefs. Other surfers, who possess sharp boards, sharp fins, and even sharper tempers. Maniac car guards arguing loudly with themselves. Your significant other glaring threateningly at you while uttering the words “going surfing again?!”
In a sport resplendent with creative and obvious ways in which to endanger life and limb, there are countless hidden hazards that receive far less attention. These include:
Number 1: Tripping on your leash pre surf
Generally speaking, this is a rookie error. And if you’re the type to secure your leash to your ankle in the car park, Trident kinda feels like you deserve whatever happens to you next. Still, this is a fairly common occurrence. You put on your leash far from the water’s edge, and run gracefully towards the sea. Suddenly – disaster. You trip over a rock in the sand, or an old tekkie, or a sunbathing German tourist, or a sleeping hobo. Or – most humiliating of all – your own leash. Chances of you re-enacting a winning gymnastics somersault from the last Olympics are very likely, with a mouthful of sand rather than unanimous 10 scores and Olympic glory the end result.
Number 2: Dislodging toenails in surf wax
This author once committed to a full-on rail carve, slashing the living hell out of an unsuspecting wave like cutlery through a dairy product. Hoots and cheers ensued. Then did pain. Unexplained pain. “What the hell did I hit?” I lamented, unaware my big toenail was now clinging to its toe by a flap of skin and wax. Popping the offending foot out the water, I truly saw the horror show that was once a fully functional digit. All because an unevenly clipped toenail got stuck in surf wax while emulating Jordy Smith. Trim your damn talons occasionally people.
Number 3: Concussing yourself with your own board when resurfacing
The scenario is all too familiar. Whether it’s a two wave hold down while surfing maxing Dungeons, or you simply didn’t take a sufficient breath after a mild wipeout at your local. You want air – and you want air quickly. You neglect to emerge from the ocean hands first, only to unceremoniously make intimate contact with your own surfboard by headbutting it. Like an enraged parent with a referee at a school rugby match in Vereeniging. Cue glassy-eyed stare, drooling, and people advising you “not to nap.”
Number 4: Successfully navigating a rocky exit only to slip on your moer less than a foot away from soft sand
J Bay is a prime offender here. You’ve had a pretty fun surf, and are now faced with the daunting prospect of getting back onto dry land without landing arse first on a mussel bed. You move slowly and cautiously, gently testing each precarious foothold as the whitewater surges around you. Perhaps you slip occasionally. It happens. Maybe you cut yourself on the sharp rocks. No harm done, you’ve finished surfing and bleeding is now forgivable. You’re just about to make contact with dry sand. So why not take the risk and go for a final courageous leap to the safety of the beach? Here’s why: your leash snags. You land on rocks so sharp you’ll swear Shaka himself put them there to train his impi warriors centuries ago. All within grasping distance of beautiful golden grains. Oh the shame.
Number 5: Tight fitting wetsuits crushing your most sensitive areas
To be fair, Trident can only speak with authority from the male perspective here. Perhaps some female surfers could enlighten us in the comments on the uniquely female aspects of wetsuit “squishing”? Nevertheless, this is an especially degrading problem, as it tends to happen before you even hit the water. In fact, you can injure yourself by simply trying on a new wetsuit at your local surf shop. You yank the evil neoprene over your hips, wiggle your upper body into the torso and arms – only to experience what feels like a mallet blow to your crotch. Suddenly you’re nauseated and speaking in falsetto. This is the very reason Trident doesn’t understand “going commando” under your wetsuit. Indeed, wearing a cricket box under your wetsuit would be an elegant solution to this particular malady. (Not to mention the illusion of package size it creates in the cold sea.)
