Or in more extreme situations – the Surf Gestapo. Trident firmly believes in establishing some sort of order in the lineup; lest it devolves into chaos and anarchy where canoes, synchronised swimmers and blowup swans are accepted in the surf.
Enter; the surf police. Selfless surfers patrolling the lineup and acting against transgressors. However, unlike a katana – this kind of localism is a double edged sword. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Surf locals becoming surf police can indeed become the surf gestapo or the USA of the surf lineup.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? This is a famous Latin quote by the Roman poet Juvenal. ‘Coz here at Trident, we’re all like, lank educated an’ stuff. Anyhow, this quote is literally translated as “Who will guard the guards themselves?”, although variants of “Who watches the watchmen?” tend to be more usual. Who watches the Watchmen. Watchmen. This was also a brilliant graphic novel by Alan Moore, made into a slightly less brilliant but still entertaining film. Anyhow, this phrase refers to the people appointed to keep the peace having too much power until they themselves require policing. Truth. In fact, as most surf police are self nominated at lineups throughout the world, this quote resonates more than ever.
We’ve all seen various obnoxious types in the water. Some are small, gopher-like wisps of human beings, shouting, snaking and paddling around aggressively without realising any surfer just slightly bigger than them could swat them with little more than a strong sneeze. Others look intimidating; huge, scary tattooed types but have the temperance of a newborn lamb on prozac. At Trident, we ourselves are kind, patient and thoughtful. We are also not disinclined to dishing out a solid snotklap if relations in the lineup have deteriorated too badly. The bottom line is, if we can’t self regulate – perhaps we do indeed need some kind of surf watch; like a more effective, less drunk and less nosy neighbourhood watch. So who gets appointed? Or do we nominate oureselves? Perhaps we need some kind of New World Order type bar code tattoo to scan before surfing. Any transgression of the rules and you receive an automatic electric shock. There. Trident has single-handedly solved the surf rules debacle. You’re welcome, surfers of the world. Now please queue up for your bar code. We promise we won’t steal your identity and order stuff online from Wish or anything.
Trident has personally witnessed some of the biggest and loudest hypocrites policing the lineup, yelling at other surfers for “paddling around” or “getting in their way”, while they themselves insist on sitting in the middle of the wave like a waterborne, gormless floating Buddha. Similarly, Trident has witnessed some truly mellow surfers suddenly turn shockingly violent, like a trained lion in a magic show turning on its owner after years of being obedient to nonsense like jumping out of top hats. It’s clear a middle ground is needed, but the police need to be policed themselves. And consensus needs to be reached as to who actually can call the shots, ‘coz self appointment doesn’t always make sense. If it did, this author would’ve nominated himself to be president of SA long ago (and Trident is convinced he would’ve done a damn fine job of it. Granted, there hasn’t exactly been much competition over the least decade or so.)
And, if we do end up with an effective surf police force – what should the punishments for various transgressions be? Lifelong bans from surf breaks for repeated drop ins? Standing dolefully at the beach and giving wax away? Picking up rubbish? (Editor’s note: Do this anyway.) Being forced to wear a cardboard sign with one’s particular transgression written on it (“snake”, “dropped in”, “smiled too much”, “smiled too little”, “blew too many take offs”, “supports the Blue Bulls”, etc)?
The Surf Police. More as this story continues to develop.
