Here at Trident, we ask the big questions. What is the meaning of life? What is the point of existence? Why do tennis players grunt so much when surfers don’t grunt at all while paddling for ten foot beasts at Pipeline, incontrovertibly a far more exhausting task? I spend so much time in the sun, should I get this mountainous mole on my arse checked, even though it’s on my arse and they only time my arse has ever seen the sun was when I was pantsed at the J Bay Open while talking to the promo girls? All big questions indeed. In fact, having just mentioned the fabled Pipeline in Hawaii is a great place to begin this article, as that’s the most heavily localised spot on this planet. (Editor’s note: Trident can only speak for Earth, who knows how locals at the surf breaks in Alpha Centauri behave?) Localism equals crowds, and crowds inevitably equals snaking. So let’s ask another big question. Why do people snake?
Snaking is not something that’ll disappear any time soon, therefore it’s highly unlikely this will be the sole definitive article ever written by Trident on the subject. So let’s give this article a sub heading: An introduction to Snaking 101.
If you don’t know what snaking is in surfing terms, I have no idea what you’re doing on this site in the first place. Nevertheless, let’s explain it in the simplest terms possible: being a snake literally means not waiting your turn. You take a wave that someone else was waiting for. There. Easy to understand, isn’t it? Like jumping a shopping queue. So why does snaking still happen? And this of course, is the more complex question.
Many surfers, particularly newbies, are simply ignorant of surfing’s (often complex) unwritten laws. Newcomers to surfing often blissfully transgress, unaware of the havoc they are causing. One hopes they’ll either eventually figure it out themselves or have someone more experienced point out the error of their ways, hopefully without the use of brass knuckles and/or a cricket bat. This author has personally given up on Google offering beginners any tips about not snaking, as said beginners seem so astoundingly ignorant of the rules that they have no idea there are rules at all. Also, as we all know, one can’t bring one’s mobile phone into the sea. A real pity if you ask me, as once a beginner has experienced a red-faced, spitting mad local screaming “I’ll ****ing shove your ****ing board so far up your arse you’ll taste your ****ing surf wax you ****ing snake” at them, they’d no doubt Google the term “surf snake” and educate themselves. Or give up surfing altogether. Which is a win for the crowds, and a loss for the industry in general.
So moving on from ignorance, why else would surfers snake? A sense of entitlement for one. Clearly skill level can sometimes account for said entitlement, but often highly skilled surfers are super chill and let everyone have their wave, while often less skilled surfers will ruthlessly snake like they’re being paid for it. In dollars. Which is kind of ironic, as often this breed of snake will complain exceptionally loudly about being snaked themselves. Which is sorta like chastising someone for their fly being down while you’ve just crapped your pants.
As already stated, this is a subject with no definitive ending nor solution that doesn’t involve a headbutt. So let’s wrap this up with a very simple answer for now, until next time. Surfers snake because they froth. We all want the best possible waves, the best possible number of best possible waves, and we want the the best possible number of best possible waves all the damn time. So we bend the rules a bit. We sneakily take the very first wave after we’ve just paddled out, to hell with whomever was waiting in the lineup first. We paddle out to a sick little A-frame, looking for the rights – thus blocking the more experienced, talented surfer looking for the lefts. We consider ourselves Top Local at certain spots, and simply take whichever waves we want. We’re all guilty of it. And none of us should be proud. ‘Coz it’s kind of like being proud of yourself for not crapping your pants despite your fly being down an entire day. To be continued.
