The science of surfboards (Part One).

Well, well, well. It’s taken some time for Trident’s Surf Science to arrive here. Today we shall finally be discussing one of the 3 critical aspects that make surfing possible – surfboards. The other 2 aspects being the wave and the surfer. There is a similar triumvirate however, and don’t let yourself be confused – those are the 3 types of SURFERS: those with skill, those with balls – and those with both. We’ll leave that for another discussion for now.

So yes, we’re talking surfboards today. What a topic. A simple plank with infinite variants. To our knowledge, the first surfboards were invented in ancient Hawaii and made of wood. (If there were any earlier attempts at boards made of stone, Trident is pretty sure they were categorically unsuccessful, despite what you may or may not have seen on the Flintstones.) The ancient Hawaiians had no access to foam or resin so despite these wooden boards being lighter than stone, they were still so heavy one risked collapsing one’s sphincter simply trying to pick it up by oneself. These original boards obviously also possessed no fins, so were about as difficult to control as a ten tonne truck with its steering wheel removed while trying to drive with your teeth.

Heavy wooden boards and no fins. And of course, no wax nor pads for any form of traction whatsoever. One can only assume the ancient Hawaiians evolved from gecko’s and had sucker pads on the soles of their feet, or used a hithertoe unknown substance to stick to their boards. Trident has fallen on their moer while just trying to walk on wooden decks after it’s been raining so we can sympathize.

Modern boards have been made of foam since the early 60’s, covered with fibreglass cloth and resin made from polyester or epoxy – and not much has changed since then to be fair. Sure, the addition of fins has advanced surfing a bunch, but today we’re discussing our beloved planks only – fins and other such accessories will be discussed later. I mean, what if the ancient Hawaiians came up with something else before the invention of fins? Like long paddles, so surfers could stand up on their boards and… no. This alternative history is too ghastly to contemplate.

To the ancient Hawaiians, materials like carbon fibre and kevlar would’ve been stuff so advanced, they might’ve thought it delivered wholesale from a UFO. Alien tech in other words (which these materials still feel like to Trident.) Kevlar is the same stuff bulletproof vests are made of. Therefore, as a surfer with a modern board, you could simply use it as a shield when going to your local corner cafe while buying sweets, cooldrinks and whatnot whilst in the middle of a gang shootout. (No, not really – Trident highly recommends you do NOT do that.) So what’s next in the space age materials for boards scene? Invisible boards? Surfboards that transform into giant amusing robots? Swiss army knives with unfolding surfboard attachments? No ladies and gentlemen, we have seen the future and it is sustainable materials – if not 100% Environmentally friendly plant-based boards. (Trident previously discussed just how most of current surfboard tech is as utterly disastrous for the environment as food made from plastic.) Sadly, it seems technology is still some way away from seeds which you can plant and eventually grow into completely 100% organic surfboards, fresh to be plucked from the board vine.

Do you ride a light-as-a-feather potato chip? Or are you a no-nonsense 35-45 litre boarder? Perhaps you’re a logger, or a single fin aficionado. Maybe you ride boards you’ve shaped in your own backyard, made from pieces of driftwood and carved with tools such as sea shells, your own toenails and fossilised dinosaur dung. As we progress with this series on surfboards, we hope to dismiss the fad from the functional, the fashion from the form – the balls-up from the balls-to-the-wall brilliant board. But the series will be an intense, important journey – so stay tuned Trident Team.