Here’s an obvious, overlooked but extraordinarily handy tip – those heavy duty travel surfboard bags also make pretty decent body bags if you happen to stumble across any corpses during a session. Indeed, if anyone sees you with a repurposed surfboard bag and notices there’s a human arm hanging out the unzipped part, just claim it’s a newfangled, novelty surf leash. Even if it has flies crawling all over it. Julius Madbucket, Ontplof
These days, it’s difficult to figure out if the constant whistling you hear on beaches are lifeguards frantically trying to alert you and other surfers how they noticed your super sick barrel, or if there’s an angry group of political protesters and/or some sheep slaughtering on the beach. Wors Van Der Poeplap, Lappiesfontein
This Saturday the car guard at my local surf spot claimed it’s his fiftieth birthday! He’s FIFTY, God bless him! In fact, he even showed me his ID book. Huh! The things you learn from ordinary folk! Contrary to popular belief, you can’t tell the age of a car guard by counting the number of R2 and R5 coin imprints embedded in their palms. Never stop learning people! Paste N Cutts, Pesto Place
It’s an election year as well all know, yet there are so few political parties geared towards surfers. An oversight of note we say! Also, for that matter, no particular political party right now seems entirely competent anyway so let’s us surfers form a new one: African United National Surfers – or ANUS for short. Coz voting for a bunch of arseholes is what South Africans do best, isn’t it? UR Anus, Uranus
Dear Paste n Cutts
Speaking of car guards, if you’ve seen Stephen King’s It movies, the car guard at my particular surf spot has a strong resemblance to that disgusting leper oke in the first movie. Who probably was also a car guard. For Pennywise. Scramble Vilokazi, Paddock
