If you’ve ever woken up in the middle of the night, with someone trying to smother you with a pillow – you’ll know how terrifying the experience is. So what can one do? Well, have no fear – I’m here to impart some advice. The big thing is not to panic. You should still be able to breathe. As you relax, so too should the would-be smotherer. And once they relax, simply throw them off you. Then, either beat them to a pulp/phone the police/or start a pillow fight if it was all in good jest. What has this to do with surfing you may ask? Well, perhaps one or both victim and perpetrator are surfers. Shellfish van Vuuren, Bellybuttonfluff Bay
Whether they are seawater or freshwater, does such a thing as a human being that dislikes otters actually exist? Bespoke Urinal, Over Yonder
Here’s a reason not to go for early morning surfs: the good chance of running into car guards “showering” (ie: vigorously rinsing their filthy unmentionables) in the ablution blocks. Like, for instance, the one time I went to rinse my wetsuit off and saw one of the car guards brushing his teeth. Like why? He only has like 3. That barely counts as teeth plural. Boisterous Egg, Platville
Occasionally when I watch the World Surfing League I notice something odd: when they interview a South African surfer they often use subtitles. Yet – never for Australians or even when Brazilians speak English. Really? Is the English Serf Efrikan accent that difficult to understand? Or do the folks who watch the WSL regularly have the intellect of a kitchen cabinet? ‘Coz to me, their magnificent First World country be damned, the Ozzie accent still sounds like someone shoved a megaphone up their arse and proceeded to fart through it. Eraser Razor, Fraser
Who would make the most intimidating surf local ever – Skeletor, Mumm-Ra or Megatron? Armpit Truck, Grapeland
