I have no idea why people get so uppity and scared when it comes to sharks. Orcas, or Killer Whales in the common tongue, are huge, black and white merciless panda wolves of the seven seas. Have you ever seen them eat a seal? Man, they throw those things in the air like they were your lame uncle tossing Niknaks or peanuts in the air and catching them in their mouths. Undeniably, Orcas are just plain terrifying, end of. Sure, there have been no cases of them attacking humans in the wild, but they’ve attacked people while in captivity. If this isn’t a clear sign all of humanity should be submitting to our cetacean overlords, I don’t know what is. Crouton McWilliams, Liquor
My great granny used to say: “wish in your one hand and poop in your other then see which hand is more full.” Certainly She was a very wise lady so I tested this theory when it came to a particularly frustrating, flat day at my local surf break. Suffice it to say, we didn’t end up getting any surf, and nobody was willing to lend me a hand with spare toilet paper. Hah! Lend me a hand! See what I did there?! Maybe I’ll have more luck as a comedian. Pressed Plant, Potpourri
During yesterday’s surf, a mate and I had an unfortunate mean collision. End result: a moerse sore left leg and a right heel sliced open like the Joker’s smile. So after a final wave to exit, the following occurs in the parking lot:
Random vagrant woman no doubt wanting a handout): Sir, your foot is bleeding.
Me: Oh wow thanks so much Madame! I would never have known if you hadn’t pointed it out, despite the buckets of blood and bloody footprints all the way from the beach to my car. Appliance Jones, Port Vetkoek
Why is it that the only people who seem to ride blue longboards are always older, balding, middle aged goofy foot okes? Abraham Triceratops, Toppiefontein
The other day at my local surf break, this one doos kept on snaking me repeatedly. It was ridiculous to the point of distraction. I normally have a fairly calm temper. Despite that, instead of outright snotklapping said snake – I instead decided to snap a digital portrait of him on my phone to send to all my mates as a warning. However, I just couldn’t get this digital snake portrait to function correctly. Sadly, it was an e-reptile dysfunction. Hayibo! I’m here all week folks! Detergent Malutsi, Mount Apostrophe
