If you’ve been surfing for any length of time you’re sure to have encountered any number of online video’s or written reviews detailing the specifics of a certain surfboard model. Whether article or clip, they tend to be fun and informative, if slightly self-indulgent. However, if you’re even vaguely interested in a certain shape for your next board, these reviews can be invaluable.
But… has anyone ever actually once encountered a negative review? Like, ever? Trident certainly hasn’t.
According to online reviews, every surfboard is good.
Indeed, just by doing a bit of light Googling, for example, “bad stick reviews” Trident didn’t encounter a single bad surfboard review. Sadly though, by typing “bad stick reviews” we were also inadvertantly exposed to the kind of porn that would make your eyes water. And that was excluding a site that appeared to be written by dogs for dogs about playing fetch.
Anyhow.
This leads Trident to believe that every surfboard reviewer is out there to receive either: a) payment (from advertisers, the surfboard brands they’re reviewing, countless legions of fans etc), b) recognition (from advertisers, the surfboard brands they’re reviewing, countless legions of fans etc) or c) to improve the surfing world by giving honest and accurate reviews of the boards they ride in their reviews. Ha! Unlikely
Call us cynical, but we’re edging away from c). Which incidentally, is the first letter of cynical.
To be fair, Trident supposes each board has some merit.
Granted, perhaps the single most accurate aspect of a surfboard is this: there’s no such thing as a magic board. In certain waves, some surfboards will outperform others. And this is perhaps the second most important aspect of a surfboard: as surf breaks can change on an hourly basis, it is worthwhile having a few boards in your quiver. Your performance potato chip may not be ideal in tiny onshore mush, nor will your mid length funboard perform well in waves so hollow they resemble a wormhole in time and space.
Still, as far as Trident is concerned, there are surfboards which will almost inevitably perform as well as a drugged sloth attempting a pole vault. These tend to be beginner boards or older styles that have fallen out of favour. Or frankly – boards whose original design was so utterly shit they never should’ve left the shaping bay in the first place.
And thus we repeat: have you ever encountered a negative surfboard review online? Apart from mild stuff like; “you gotta put it on the rail for it to really work”, or “it needs clean, head high waves”, or “you need to surf like you’re having your spine removed while listening to dub step and juggling chainsaws to get the most outta this board.”
