Right. Let’s just immediately clear the air (Ha! “Clear the air” when talking about socks?! Genius I tell you!) by getting the following out the way: we at Trident despise board socks. So, in the interests of objectivity and full disclosure in journalism, this article will be several million light years away from being unbiased about board socks.
Seriously, what is the point. Board socks, encrusted with old grey wax like hardened snot, are about as practical and useful as reusable toilet paper or tissues. (Ed’s note: We call those handkerchiefs. Author: Exactly. And unless you’re a 19th century English aristocrat, who uses them these days?) Board socks are flimsy, slightly springy bits of material, more suited to being grocery bags or carrying dismembered corpses than for protecting surfboards. In fact, what is that thin, soft material supposed to protect surfboards from anyway exactly? Bee stings? Harsh language? The cold, disapproving glare of Trident authors who fail to see the purpose of these inexplicably still-existent surf accessories?
As it stands, Trident fails to see why more hard wearing, reflective board bags often come in black – coz, science bro. Black attracts heat like surf groupies to Kelly Slater in the 90’s. Yet even so, even black board bags offer some decent protection – against minor thumps and bumps, careless board stacking in or on cars, heavy weather and so on. Board socks can’t even claim that. A minor nudge to a surfboard in a bag would likely cause little to no damage whatsoever, whereas the very same nudge to a surfboard in a board sock would potentially cause as much harm as would a completely uncovered surfboard.
Why then. Why.
To prevent slight yellowing from the sun? To protect your surfboard from stones thrown at you by other surfers who ironically share Trident’s view board socks are only worth of ridicule and derision? Good gravy, if you’d rather use a sock than a board bag, just keep the damn board indoors then. Or wrap it in tinfoil or old towels or the leathery skin of flayed hobos or something.
If board socks were at least disposable and/or either biodegradeable or recyclable, Trident could maybe understand. But no, board socks are ironically difficult to damage, even while the surfboard ensheathed within remains as vulnerable as a baby tortoise crossing the N2. So while the board they’re supposed to protect becomes ever more damaged and flimsy, the board sock steadfastly refuses to give up the ghost. Instead, it becomes ever more rock hard as the layers of old, crusty wax builds up, eventually becoming as rigid as a teenage boy’s favourite sock.
Speaking of rigidity, ever tried removing your surfboard from its sock after a couple of days of blistering heat, where the drive to various spots ensures all your wax is neatly removed from your board and transferred into the interior of the board sock? If it doesn’t immediately slip out because all the surfboard’s wax now has the consistency of axle grease, the board will stay there, like frozen wrapping on a cheap lollipop, as the surfboard will now remain fairly embedded in its sock like fossils in rock after just a mild temperature cooling.
You see where we’re going with all of this vitriol? Like commentary during the non-surfing parts of a boring WSL heat and advice from a newbie, board socks have to be one of the most useless things in surfing. So please – try convince Trident otherwise, we’re really hoping to be enlightened about this particular infuriating item.
