The perfect surfing build (according to Surf Science).

Unless you have recently been lobotomised or you huff paint thinner on a regular basis, there can be no doubt among people of even moderate intelligence that surfing is excellent exercise. And stating the obvious; exercise is good for you. Not only physically, but see Trident’s article on mental health to ascertain its positive effect on our minds too. And surfing is an excellent combination of aerobic exercise (like the 80’s fitness videos but what we more commonly call cardiovascular exercise these days, or cardio for short) and anaerobic exercise (that’s strength exercise, which makes you stronger and makes your muscles bigger – which is taken to the extreme by the grunting, neckless buffaloes you often see at gyms, sweating and hefting weights the size of scrapped vehicles). Although we won’t necessarily surf every day, on a day of waves decent enough to paddle a fair bit and duck dive a lot, combining the two kinds of exercise is pretty darn efficient.

Surfing pretty much uses every muscle in your body. And that includes your facial muscles when you pull those ridiculous grimaces when attempting moves. But, let’s think more about paddling. Think about duck diving. Think about how many muscles it takes to really push through that power carve. Think about how many muscles it takes to give the cheeky sod that dropped in on you for the sixth time that solid headbutt. Yet, as you’re constantly doing aerobic exercise as well, surfers tend not to bulk up as they’re constantly burning up calories. Which is just as well, ‘coz regardless of how many folk may admire the Rock’s physique, you won’t see that massive Samoan launching Medina-esque airs anytime soon.

We can’t say it enough. Surfing pretty much uses every muscle in your body. See? We’ve said it twice already. So let’s break it down further. When it comes to paddling, although most surfers believe it’s all in the arms and the shoulders, it’s actually more about the lats. What are lats you may ask? Well, that’s your lateral back muscles. Hence, the enviable V shape most long time surfers achieve. Sure, we still us our arms and shoulders to a large extent, but those muscle groups come more into focus during duck diving, and waxing up your board when it’s cold. Sheesh, now there’s a workout I tell you. Mister Miyagi knew what he was doing when he commanded Daniel-San to “wax on, wax off”. Still, he might’ve ordered Daniel to simply paddle on a surfboard. He might’ve won the karate competition at the end of the movie by doing some weirdass windmill move rather than the crane kick. Um. Karate Kid. This is an old reference. (Ed’s note. Yup. It’s 2021 Dude.)

Moving swiftly along. So, paddling works your lats in particular, as well as your arms and shoulders, and to a lesser extent – your pectoral muscles. This especially applies to duck diving, which is the equivalent of doing pushups (if, when you do normal push ups – you try and force your weight through the floor while taking massive gasps of air). If you’re paddling correctly, you’re also using your lower back muscles and your neck. ‘Coz you should be arching your back and craning your neck, like you’re doing yoga or posing for softcore.

What about surfing proper? Trident has just recently experienced pumping on the face (No, non-surfers – not another reference to softcore or anything even more explicit) in weak waves. This translates to a serious jelly like feeling in one’s upper thighs. The hip joints, the knees – the ankles – all are properly worked while actually surfing a wave. Apart from your finger muscles – and even then, you’re probably throwing plenty of shaka’s (and the occasional middle finger at snakes) during the average session to work your hand muscles anyway.

So what is the ideal surfer build? According to science, you’d have bones made of carbon fibre to be lightweight, lats moulded like slabs of beef for power and strength and arms and rotator cuffs able to spine at helicopter blade-like speeds. Then, you’d have legs like piledrivers, tendons made of elastic bands, and every muscle in your body shaped like coiled springs for explosive power. In other words – if you’re Ram Man from Masters of the Universe, you’d be the world’s best surfer. (Ed’s note: Another old reference. But it’s good, and appropriate. I’ll let it slide.)