There are three kinds of surfers. Number one, those surfers that don’t like crowds, and say so out loud. Number two, those surfers that don’t like crowds, but consider it too obvious to state out loud. Number three, those that do like crowds. (Whether they say they enjoy crowds out loud or not, this bunch is largely irrelevant, as you’ll rarely encounter them. This is ‘coz most of them are currently in padded cells, hopped up on thorazine and drooling onto their 1993 SA Champs hoodies.)
Crowds. For surfers, this is the most offensive c word ever. It’s true. Most surfers would prefer the bare minimum number of surfers out in any given lineup. However, like taxes, death and your car smelling like rancid wetsuits, crowds are inevitable – and particularly so when the waves are firing. So what to do, what to do. The easiest way to avoid crowds is to stop surfing. Simple. Not an option? Well, excuse the hell outta me. Jeez, someone is clearly hard to please. Let’s try again. Screaming “Shark!” while frantically pointing and gesticulating wildly will get you head butted faster than you can say “the boy who cried wolf”. Unless there really is a shark around, this is a terribly crude attempt at minimising crowds and will likely ensure you’re never welcome back in any lineup again anyway. So in a way, yes – you are in fact solving your own crowd problem for life.
However, let’s assume you do indeed wish to continue surfing while keeping your sanity and good humour when it’s crowded. Let’s also assume crowd control measures such as water cannons, stun grenades (and of course – live ammunition in countries with only a tenuous relationship with democracy) is strictly the realm of riot police and psychopaths (sometimes the same thing). It’s a pity really. Dropping depth charges and stuff would clear a lineup quicker than prune juice would your digestive system. So let’s move on from crowd dispersal, as there’s really no practical way of achieving this. Unless you come up with a better idea. Comments please, or e-mail us. Maybe you’ll win something. Like a restraining order.
Anywho, let’s focus on ensuring others give you a wide berth instead. A completely legal manner of doing this is stuffing mince, boerewors, tenderised steak etc in your wetsuit before paddling out. Don’t forget to use meat juice as sunblock. Your stank will almost guarantee everyone hastily paddling the hell away from you. Trident can’t guarantee your safety from giant prehistoric fish, but that’s another matter entirely. Unlike the previously ill-advised method of shouting “shark!” for crowd dispersal, this option is at least genuine. Another way of achieving self isolation, is to try be the biggest doos out there. However this probably won’t work as it’s pretty certain there’ll be plenty of bigger dooses out there, so unless you’re Donald Trump on a SUP, scrap this method. The exact opposite won’t work either – being the kindest, most affable surfer in the lineup. An attitude somewhere in the middle is best, but Trident still stands by smelling obscenely of meat.
Here’s the bottom line people. Good waves equals crowds. Sometimes, even poor waves equals crowds. To lessen the irritation, a valued associate of Trident – Gavin Rother – a Pythagoras-like mathematical magician suggests applying the following formula though when making a decision about crowds and which of two spots to surf:
X = wave height and quality
Y = crowd
(X x 2) + Y/2 > X/2 + (Y x 2)
SPOT ONE > SPOT TWO
See folks, Trident is like, lank educational and stuff, tell your parents and teachers. However, if this formula doesn’t work or algebra makes your brain hurt – simply paddle out, crowded or not – and be lekker. Being lekker may not guarantee you any more waves than being a doos does, but it will do wonders for your karmic balance sheet.
