“Ah – you’re including South Africa, Trident?!” We hear you readers say. “Is that the whole point of this article’s joke?!”
No, it is not – you unpatriotic pillocks. Despite well – scant evidence to the contrary, South Africa remains a strong surfing nation. We did, for example, win the first ever silver medal at surfing’s inaugural appearance at the Olympics. And perhaps more significantly – it was Matt vs Jordy in an all South African final in the El Salvador WSL event. Nice one okes. So there, haters.
Also, we’re talking traditionally strongest surfing nations, so yes – apologies to the French, the Moroccans, the El Salvadorians, the Peruvians, the Mexicans, one Italian (you rock, Leo F), the Kiwis, the Canadians (you rock Erin Brooks, but pick a nationality damn it – although we understand your indecision to be included in Fascist USA), the Brits – and the er… Germans, Dutch and Chinese. Feel free to add more countries shortchanged by the lack of their inclusion here.
Anyhow, controversy over which countries should be included aside; let’s go ahead and without fear nor favour – review a few of surfing’s famous top nations.
Americans (including Hawaiians).
Ah, the most divided nation on Earth just now. However, that won’t stop many rabid Yanks coming to SA for their share of some of the most famous waves in the world. Indeed, for us living in South Africa, the travelling Americans you meet here – and American surfers in particular – are reasonably cool, likeable and clued up. However, less world-wise Americans, particularly in the US itself – tend to be insular, self absorbed and completely out of touch with what it means to be anything but an American.
Similar to Australia, Americans are only good at sports they invented that no other nation gives a crap about. And once again, just like the Aussies – that particular national quirk doesn’t extend to surfing. Both nations produce great surfers in droves, no doubt from some kind of factory. Which, considering the MAGA scene and trade tariffs etc, may just bite the US in the arse producing surfers going forward. Trident scores them a 3.5 out of 5 stars.
Australians.
Aussie surfers, and Australians in general, paint themselves as likeable, working class, beer-swilling carefree yobs. However, Aussies are actually pretty damn conservative. We’re not criticising. The hordes of Aussies Trident has met have been pretty cool and funny in a self deprecating kind of way. Still, Aussies often tend toward the bit arrogant. From a per capita point of view, Down Under has to have produced the highest percentage of red hot surfers the world has ever known. Good on yer. We’d give Australian surfers the full five stars. But in our unbiased opinion – they literally have the worst accent on the planet. So because Aussies’ accents sound like the “most annoying sound in the world” scene from Dumb and Dumber, we’re giving them 4.5 outta 5 stars.
Brazilians.
Grinning Brazilian surfers tend to be Latin handsome/beautiful, tanned and not ashamed to be open with their emotions. They’re probably too open with their emotions. They really could learn from our good ol’ South African stoicism. Anyhow, Brazilians are almost always tattooed, unless they’re female, and they’re often kinda short. They also cry a lot. (Thanks Jordy, your one win at J Bay has ruined our theory here). But Brazilian surfers, and no doubt Brazilians in general – do cry a lot. Like, a helluva lot. Maybe the females do too, we dunno – there simply aren’t enough female Brazilians on the World Tour to notice.
Still, Trident has no idea why the tears always flow from these guys. The irony is, their air game tends to be damn near impossibly good, which in turn makes us cry. So based on that flair above the lip alone, we’ll rate Brazilians 4 out of 5 stars.
Indonesians.
Some of the nicest people to exist. Indo’s local surfers that are amazingly proficient yet under represented on the Championship Tour. That being said, Rio Waida is one of Trident’s favourite modern surfers. This chap has it all, so watch him surf whenever you can. This nation’s thousands of islands probably have about the best ratio of good waves anywhere in the known world. A fact which makes even their average local surfer’s talent formidable. Trident is struggling to find any real negatives about Indonesian surfers. However, apparently they can burn, snake and drop in on you while flashing an innocent, flawless grin. Thus, we shall take that bit of bad behaviour and subtract it from the full 5 stars to a still respectable 4.
South Africans.
Stoic with a dry sense of humour that would make a Scotsman proud. Wendy Botha, now an Australian citizen, won her first title as a South African citizen in 1987. As for our SA men? Well… we haven’t had a World Title since Shaun Thomson, but Jordy has come second a few times. Sometimes while wearing the yellow jersey for several events before being knocked from his first placing. As a nation, South Africa are underachievers. This is just as evident in South African surfing. SA surfers tend to fall into either middle to upper middle class and beyond, and lacking fire to really go all the way. Or, our surfers are poor and lacking resources to go all the way. Hey, something clicked for the Brazilians, so how far off can we be? The country is blessed with world class waves, with plenty of famous right handers countrywide – the mirror of Indo. We’re going with a safe 3.5 stars in case you think Trident is biased.
