Perfect sunny beaches. Water clearer than Bishop Tutu’s conscience. Bronzed Islanders with the physique of Greek gods sliding along waves so perfect they make wave pools redundant. Yet, the old cliché about surfing is that it’s just like life. Which is to say, filled with uncompromising reality. And often, that surf reality is so far from the surf fantasy it’s like taking the red pill.
So let’s do some side by side comparisons, shall we.
Number 1: Surfers are grumpy, bad tempered unfriendly gits vs the lovable goofy grinning twits the media portrays us as.
The day a surfer paddles out into any local surf lineup and sees everyone smiling… Well that must be the day of an accidental spill of edibles or Prozac from a freighter. Surfers are territorial, selfish and aggro, as Trident has pointed out over several articles over several years. Why then, is the stereotypical concept of a surfer that of a grinning, carefree, laidback dude? Often with a drawling tone of voice that would make a Texan envious? Trident’s theory is this; out the water most surfers are indeed pretty laidback. Nonetheless, after having surfed and gotten changed, we are generally jolted back to their everyday lives. Namely, bills to pay, jobs to do, children to pick up, covert secret society balls to attend. Whereas in the water, someone that actually has the stereotyped personality cannot be called a surfer. As they simply won’t get any waves, ‘coz they’re too busy being laidback, carefree goofs.
Number 2: Surfing weather is often windswept, moody skies and grim seas vs cheerful, sunny skies and tropical water.
None of us particularly want to surf in a 3/4mm wetsuit in frigid waters. All beneath an overcast, stormy sky so monotone, it looks like some celestial being overdid the saturation filter on the atmosphere. However, the rule of thumb is – winter equals waves. Storms, wind, tsunamis and earthquakes equals waves. In short, sunny skies and balmy temperatures rarely equate to decent surf. Of course it does happen. Still, the mainstream depiction of a surfer on a wave doesn’t quite allow for bad weather to enter into the public consciousness.
Number 3: Surfing is relatively safe vs you will be eaten by a giant prehistoric cartilaginous fish.
“Aren’t you scared of sharks?!” is always the incredulous question asked by a non-surfer upon hearing that you surf. “Not at all,” we generally answer. “Compared to the risk of hijacking and car accidents en route to the beach, before even setting foot in the water, the chances of shark attacks are minimal.” We accept the risks as part of surfing. You’re far more likely to be injured by your own board. Or some other idiot’s board. But yes – your modern twinnie is unlikely to dismember you. Make no mistake, surfing is full of risks – and a shark attack is part of that. Nevertheless, you’re far more likely to be injured crossing the road to surf. Or entering a shopping mall only to have the ceiling collapse on you. Google it, and be terrified of what everyday activities can result in death or major injury. Soon you’ll run screaming into the water simply to avoid the myriad and ingenious ways the common things in life will hurt you.
Number 4: Surfing is pretty difficult but worth the frustration vs it’s pretty easy and you don’t need to be much of an athlete to do it.
Well, in our opinion, we’re pretty sure power walking is about as difficult as walking stiff legged and sweating to the toilet when you really need to go. Still, it is an Olympic sport. And so is surfing now, gosh darn it. And sure, Olympic power walkers can no doubt er, walk the crap outta us. Considering surfing however, even the most experienced, advanced surfer amongst uswould think twice about paddling out in 6 foot plus Chopes. Even two time World Champ Filipe Toledo has been mocked mercilessly for his apparent fear of said wave. What we’re alluding to is that yes, surfing is pretty tricky. And you never stop learning. But by golly, you need to be darn fit if you’re surfing regularly in waves of even 3 feet and bigger.
Number 5: Surfing is good for your physical, mental and emotional health vs surfers are worthless degenerates similar to the likes of lazy homeless bums, low-ranking gang members, telemarketers and local politicians.
Picture a steroid-addled bouncer at a nightclub. Do you picture a typical surfer? No. We’re back to the stereotyped paw paw as per above. However, we’re gonna contradict our earlier point and dwell on said carefree happy dude. Picture a typical surfer. Do you imagine him to be a shifty, trench coat-wearing drooling lunatic? No. So, whatever else surfers may be, the image of physical, mental and emotional health is at least something that has translated into the mainstream.
